Another thoughtful little post today, I guess I'm reflecting more lately. I feel more compelled to share my feelings, like somehow that could help someone. If only one young person heading down the same road as I stumbles across this page, it might inspire them to take a different path. Or maybe help someone lost to rediscover themselves. I don't know. I realise my blog doesn't reach that many people, but as I start to change my life and myself, I find myself thinking of all the other people on the same journey as me, but all at different stages. I feel responsible for those people, like sharing the journey means dragging each other along. I think of all the stupid and painful things I've done along the way, the mistakes I've made, some of which still cause such crippling guilt and anxiety that I have to quickly force them from my mind, until I feel ready to deal with them. Not yet.
I've tried to create a place of positivity here, somewhere that people who relate to my story can come and feel hopeful. But I don't want to create the impression that you can simply choose to change and your life will immediately become wonderful. It takes work. It takes courage. It takes the will to fight everything you've ever known and everything you are. Sometimes that will wanes, and you end up relapsing, staring into the face of your demons. These are the hardest times of all.
I do not claim that this journey is easy, and not every part of it is positive. There's a lot of things I am yet to face, a lot of secrets in my heart that will one day escape and knock me back a few steps. The fear of that happening is ultimately what stops me from progressing any faster. I sometimes think it would be easier to simply air everything, to face it all at once so that I can move on, but I fear the damage that would cause to myself and those around me. I doubt that would help, mainly because some of these things may never be revealed, and that was always the preferable course. Were it my choice, none of these things would ever leave my heart, but unfortunately, as with most mistakes, they involve others.
People are my weakness. People are the weakness of us all. Those low, depraved people whose lives are as messy as yours, they are the only people you feel can understand you. They become the only people you have, the only people you seek out. Sadly, they become the people you trust. Those you choose to trust in your time of deepest need are often those who betray you once you decide to recover and rise far above them. I fear that every day.
The hardest part of these secrets is my own judgement of them. I cannot justify them, even when I see the same things in other people and can understand that the circumstances more than explain the actions. I know that one day, I will need professional help to deal with them, the only part of me that I can't fix alone. I can preach positivity, change, confidence but at the end of the day we all have some demons that even we can't banish.
I guess the message I'm trying to give is that you are not alone. No matter how messed up you feel, how sick, how wrong, we ALL have demons, every one of us. Some of us are simply better at hiding them than others. Others are more fortunate, of sounder mind. I would imagine someone who has never struggled with depression, anxiety or any kind of mental illness would have greater control of their demons, and would make far less mistakes as a result. I envy those people. And yet I also look up to them.
At the end of the day, the only person that can confront your mistakes is you. You are the only person that can fix it. You just have to be brave enough to face it. Remember, once you do, they can't haunt you any more, and there will be nothing left to stop you from racing through the rest of your journey. You can become whoever you want, the only obstacle is you.
Puddy <3
Friday 31 January 2014
Wednesday 29 January 2014
Lush Wednesday's: Christmas Eve Bubble Bar.
Hi guys, welcome back! It's time for another Lush review, woop woop!
This week I am reviewing the Christmas Eve bubble bar. Sadly this is no longer available in stores or online, and won't be until the next festive season, but I still felt compelled to review it as it's something I have recently used and loved. This product has a very non specific smell, one that can only be described as "flowers". That doesn't mean to say however, that it is a bad smell. Before I had even dropped it into the water my bathroom smelt like a sweet meadow.
Once in the water it fizzed into a moss green colour, combining the yellow and blue sides of the ballistic. The colour changed shades as it spread around the bath, and finally turned a darker shade of mint, almost like mouthwash. The bubbles it created were insane, I've never had a product create so many! I actually ended up stopping the bath and having to start it again because it looked like it was about to flow over. It felt like I was having a bath in a cotton candy machine. The water felt lovely and soft. Afterwards my skin was definitely feeling moisturised and actually felt softer already. All in all a great product and something I look forward to using in future.
This week I am reviewing the Christmas Eve bubble bar. Sadly this is no longer available in stores or online, and won't be until the next festive season, but I still felt compelled to review it as it's something I have recently used and loved. This product has a very non specific smell, one that can only be described as "flowers". That doesn't mean to say however, that it is a bad smell. Before I had even dropped it into the water my bathroom smelt like a sweet meadow.
Once in the water it fizzed into a moss green colour, combining the yellow and blue sides of the ballistic. The colour changed shades as it spread around the bath, and finally turned a darker shade of mint, almost like mouthwash. The bubbles it created were insane, I've never had a product create so many! I actually ended up stopping the bath and having to start it again because it looked like it was about to flow over. It felt like I was having a bath in a cotton candy machine. The water felt lovely and soft. Afterwards my skin was definitely feeling moisturised and actually felt softer already. All in all a great product and something I look forward to using in future.
Friday 24 January 2014
I'm the best thing that never happened to you.
They say that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again expecting different results, but I'm not sure I agree with that. I've seen plenty of crazy people, and they only need to do something once to know it's stupid. Whereas us 'normal people' can go an entire a life time making the same mistakes, especially in love, without learning to just stop doing it.
I must admit that I am one of those such people. Sometimes it's just easier to be optimistic about the situation, or to believe in someone proving you wrong, than it is to face the truth even when it's staring you in face. Sometimes you just want something so bad that you can't accept that it isn't possible to have it. When it comes to your emotions it's near on impossible to control them and as I've said many times before, the heart wants what the heart wants.
I've been living my life very differently in the past year. I'm learning that most of the time the pain of regret, the pain that comes from taking a chance, is better than the regret of living in caution. Every now and then, it's better to take a chance on something or someone, even if you're 99% sure that it's going to go wrong, because otherwise the regret of "what if" will eat you up inside. I decided to start biting the bullet and dealing with consequences afterwards. Mostly it's been working well for me, and I've had some great experiences because of it. But this time I've been burnt.
For the last few months I've been behaving like a pathetic beat up puppy, living with the "what if's" after following my brain instead of my heart and deciding not to take a chance on someone. I've been moping around feeling very sorry for myself, and literally feeling withdrawal for not allowing myself to see this person while I tried to deal with my attraction to them. I was keeping my hurt at bay most of the time by convincing myself that one day I'd be capable of being friends with them. But a lot of the time I was having huge pangs of hurt over the deprival of not sharing my feelings with them. It was eating me up inside and at the same time causing me to feel really angry at myself for being so totally out of character over someone who I already knew I could not pursue anything with. I knew it wasn't worth the risk of rejection, nor the time wasted on a relationship that I could already see wouldn't work.
Eventually, I figured if I was suffering this badly already, then how much worse could it get if I got hurt? So I reached out a little, and tested the waters. And the waters did, as predicted, burn me. I'm really angry at myself for being so weak and ignoring my better judgement over some stupid soppy feelings. But at the same time I'm incredibly proud of myself for putting my feelings out there and risking my biggest fear: rejection. It's helped me to realise that it's not so bad. I was rejected a hell of a lot by stupid boys when I was younger, and I survived. As an adult confident woman who knows herself and is proud of herself, what have I got to fear? That one guy I like won't want me back? I have survived far worse in my life so far, and I am sure I will experience many more worse situations yet.
It turns out that finding out I was exactly right in my prediction was just what I needed and now I am back on the path of being single, happy and doing whatever I want. Because let's face it, I don't need a man telling me he's scared for me to bungee jump, or that he doesn't want me to go away with just my girl mate and would rather I went with him, or not to spend the evening in my jammies looking like I've been dragged through a bush backwards cuz it turns him off. Screw that. I do what I want when I want. Thug life.
Puddy <3
I must admit that I am one of those such people. Sometimes it's just easier to be optimistic about the situation, or to believe in someone proving you wrong, than it is to face the truth even when it's staring you in face. Sometimes you just want something so bad that you can't accept that it isn't possible to have it. When it comes to your emotions it's near on impossible to control them and as I've said many times before, the heart wants what the heart wants.
I've been living my life very differently in the past year. I'm learning that most of the time the pain of regret, the pain that comes from taking a chance, is better than the regret of living in caution. Every now and then, it's better to take a chance on something or someone, even if you're 99% sure that it's going to go wrong, because otherwise the regret of "what if" will eat you up inside. I decided to start biting the bullet and dealing with consequences afterwards. Mostly it's been working well for me, and I've had some great experiences because of it. But this time I've been burnt.
For the last few months I've been behaving like a pathetic beat up puppy, living with the "what if's" after following my brain instead of my heart and deciding not to take a chance on someone. I've been moping around feeling very sorry for myself, and literally feeling withdrawal for not allowing myself to see this person while I tried to deal with my attraction to them. I was keeping my hurt at bay most of the time by convincing myself that one day I'd be capable of being friends with them. But a lot of the time I was having huge pangs of hurt over the deprival of not sharing my feelings with them. It was eating me up inside and at the same time causing me to feel really angry at myself for being so totally out of character over someone who I already knew I could not pursue anything with. I knew it wasn't worth the risk of rejection, nor the time wasted on a relationship that I could already see wouldn't work.
Eventually, I figured if I was suffering this badly already, then how much worse could it get if I got hurt? So I reached out a little, and tested the waters. And the waters did, as predicted, burn me. I'm really angry at myself for being so weak and ignoring my better judgement over some stupid soppy feelings. But at the same time I'm incredibly proud of myself for putting my feelings out there and risking my biggest fear: rejection. It's helped me to realise that it's not so bad. I was rejected a hell of a lot by stupid boys when I was younger, and I survived. As an adult confident woman who knows herself and is proud of herself, what have I got to fear? That one guy I like won't want me back? I have survived far worse in my life so far, and I am sure I will experience many more worse situations yet.
It turns out that finding out I was exactly right in my prediction was just what I needed and now I am back on the path of being single, happy and doing whatever I want. Because let's face it, I don't need a man telling me he's scared for me to bungee jump, or that he doesn't want me to go away with just my girl mate and would rather I went with him, or not to spend the evening in my jammies looking like I've been dragged through a bush backwards cuz it turns him off. Screw that. I do what I want when I want. Thug life.
Puddy <3
Wednesday 22 January 2014
Lush Wednesday's: Dragon's Egg Review.
Hi and welcome to the new feature: Lush Wednesday's. This is where I will try (and most likely fail) to write a Lush review, or some sort of Lush related post, until I run out of my stash. So let's get started!
Recently I tried out a new bath bomb that I got for Christmas from my friend Lily. I've been more than a little addicted to the smell since I first put in my drawer a few weeks ago. I can't really explain what it smells of, but for now let's just call it heaven. This was a rather large bath bomb, so it felt a real shame to use it all on one bath, but it was so worth it!
It makes the whole room smell divine and unlike the Golden Wonder it actually produces a reasonable amount of bubbles too. It also makes the water feel really soft and luxuries, and my skin felt wonderful afterwards. I have to say, the scent on my skin lasted easily 24 hours which was really impressive. Now for the downside, after the wonderful display that the Golden Wonder gave me I have to say that on the show and dance scale, the Dragons Egg left me a little disappointed. It swirled around for a really long time but eventually all it really did was make a really thin later of bubbles, turn my water slightly yellow and make a big orange splodge in the bubbles. Don't get me wrong, the smell more than makes after that, but after glitter, dissolvable stars and beautiful aqua coloured water from the GW, I was looking for a little more.
All in all it was a lovely product and not bad at all for £3.50. Surprisingly even after my complaints with it's show of seduction, I have to admit it is now my favourite bath product and I will certainly be using more of these in the future. For some pics of the action, look at the bottom of the post. Until next week amigos!
Puddy <3
Recently I tried out a new bath bomb that I got for Christmas from my friend Lily. I've been more than a little addicted to the smell since I first put in my drawer a few weeks ago. I can't really explain what it smells of, but for now let's just call it heaven. This was a rather large bath bomb, so it felt a real shame to use it all on one bath, but it was so worth it!
It makes the whole room smell divine and unlike the Golden Wonder it actually produces a reasonable amount of bubbles too. It also makes the water feel really soft and luxuries, and my skin felt wonderful afterwards. I have to say, the scent on my skin lasted easily 24 hours which was really impressive. Now for the downside, after the wonderful display that the Golden Wonder gave me I have to say that on the show and dance scale, the Dragons Egg left me a little disappointed. It swirled around for a really long time but eventually all it really did was make a really thin later of bubbles, turn my water slightly yellow and make a big orange splodge in the bubbles. Don't get me wrong, the smell more than makes after that, but after glitter, dissolvable stars and beautiful aqua coloured water from the GW, I was looking for a little more.
All in all it was a lovely product and not bad at all for £3.50. Surprisingly even after my complaints with it's show of seduction, I have to admit it is now my favourite bath product and I will certainly be using more of these in the future. For some pics of the action, look at the bottom of the post. Until next week amigos!
Puddy <3
Awwh, it made me a love heart!
Sunday 19 January 2014
Only in my life.
Do you ever feel like things happen to you that don't happen to normal people? I do all the time, especially as of late. Myself and a good friend of mine live like we are in a tv show, like it's a constant comedy of ridiculous and unbelievable things happening to us except there's no audience, there's only us suffering. Don't even get me started on when we get together, cuz then some seriously weird things start to occur and stories are told that our friends won't even believe!
Recently, I decided to finally take the leap from an iPhone 3GS to an iPhone 5S. Shockingly not having £600 in cash on me, I went to the apple store to discuss finance with them. After a lengthly chat with the salesman and highly time consuming finance application, I got my new toy. Only at the end did the guy tell me that I needed a new tiny sim to use in my new phone, and that I needed a sim swap to change my contract over to the tiny sim. He then tells me that is not something that the Apple store can do. I need to go to the 3 store. Now, Apple is in the big shopping centre local to me that stays open until 8pm. The 3 store is on the high street. At this point, it is about 7.10pm and I have made the effort to take the train into town straight from work. Had I realised that I needed to do the sim swap earlier I'd have prioritised the 3 store first, but no I wasn't aware. I run to the store but inevitably it is closed.
I text my mate to swap shifts with me tomorrow so I can pop into town in the morning before work and sadly take my unusable phone home in its little box. In the morning I realise that getting to town at opening hours, doing the sim swap and getting the train to work by 10am is more than ambitious. I decide to instead go straight to town from work again, even though I'm shattered. Anyway, after a long day I get to the 3 store and ask them for a sim swap as instructed. I hand over my ancient iPhone 3 with an excited grin. And the guy behind the counter promptly takes out the sim and cuts it up. I feel like my life has ended. I don't know why he has done this, and I'm pretty terrified, but I thank him none the less and take my tiny little remaining sim out of the shop with me. I'm really quite shaken, but I calm myself down and decide that they clearly know what they are doing. I tell myself to stop being a drama queen.
To make myself feel better I decide to go to New Look to find a new handbag, as the one I've been using is too small for my work stuff and the bigger one I changed to is ancient and falling apart as it's from Primark. I am pleased to find upon entering that their stock has changed, as previously I had not been able to find anything I liked, and took my time browsing the many new options. I pick out one that I really like and take it proudly to the till. A very attractive young lad stands behind the till so I try to play cool. I pay for the bag, and as he hands me my shiny new purchase, the bag I'm wearing suddenly snaps and falls to the ground. Yup. The second my new handbag touches my hand, the strap on the one I'm wearing breaks and the bag throws itself on the floor in rebellion. I blushed heavily and quickly the scoop the old one up, trying to casually laugh and say, "well that's the end of that one". I hurry out of the store.
At this point I realise I've been in town a while and it dawns on me that without a sim in either phone no one is able to contact me. I sit down in the shopping centre and try to set my phone up, but the damn sim slot wont open. Frustrated I hurry into the Apple store and bashfully ask one of the guys if they can put the sim in for me. When I take it out, he eyes it suspiciously and I explain the 3 store dilemma. The Apple guy looks as if he may fall of his chair. He tells me that this is something that the 3 guy should absolutely not have done as it is not a guaranteed solution and that the sim swap is something they can easily do in 5 minutes. When he tries to enter the sim, it doesn't fit. He is unable to do a sim swap in store. It won't fit back into my old phone either. I start to panic as I realise I can't even call one of my techie friends for help. I have no phone. Sensing my panic, the Apple guy apologises profusely for my experience. I tell him it's not his fault, but still am hyperventilating at the revelation that I have no phone to use. I cave and end up buying another sim card from the Apple store just so I can call my mum and shout about the whole experience. The guy was super nice and helped me to set up my phone and get to the point where I could make calls.
I got home and fortunately my dad managed to cut it down slightly more and make it fit. Now I have an iPhone 5S woo hoo. Then a day later my car broke down. Only in my life.
The point of this post was more or less to let you guys know that these ridiculous, unbelievable, frustrating things do in fact happen to us all. You are not alone. Just remember that at the end of the day, it's not all that bad and you can always at least make a good blog post about it ;)
Puddy <3
Recently, I decided to finally take the leap from an iPhone 3GS to an iPhone 5S. Shockingly not having £600 in cash on me, I went to the apple store to discuss finance with them. After a lengthly chat with the salesman and highly time consuming finance application, I got my new toy. Only at the end did the guy tell me that I needed a new tiny sim to use in my new phone, and that I needed a sim swap to change my contract over to the tiny sim. He then tells me that is not something that the Apple store can do. I need to go to the 3 store. Now, Apple is in the big shopping centre local to me that stays open until 8pm. The 3 store is on the high street. At this point, it is about 7.10pm and I have made the effort to take the train into town straight from work. Had I realised that I needed to do the sim swap earlier I'd have prioritised the 3 store first, but no I wasn't aware. I run to the store but inevitably it is closed.
I text my mate to swap shifts with me tomorrow so I can pop into town in the morning before work and sadly take my unusable phone home in its little box. In the morning I realise that getting to town at opening hours, doing the sim swap and getting the train to work by 10am is more than ambitious. I decide to instead go straight to town from work again, even though I'm shattered. Anyway, after a long day I get to the 3 store and ask them for a sim swap as instructed. I hand over my ancient iPhone 3 with an excited grin. And the guy behind the counter promptly takes out the sim and cuts it up. I feel like my life has ended. I don't know why he has done this, and I'm pretty terrified, but I thank him none the less and take my tiny little remaining sim out of the shop with me. I'm really quite shaken, but I calm myself down and decide that they clearly know what they are doing. I tell myself to stop being a drama queen.
To make myself feel better I decide to go to New Look to find a new handbag, as the one I've been using is too small for my work stuff and the bigger one I changed to is ancient and falling apart as it's from Primark. I am pleased to find upon entering that their stock has changed, as previously I had not been able to find anything I liked, and took my time browsing the many new options. I pick out one that I really like and take it proudly to the till. A very attractive young lad stands behind the till so I try to play cool. I pay for the bag, and as he hands me my shiny new purchase, the bag I'm wearing suddenly snaps and falls to the ground. Yup. The second my new handbag touches my hand, the strap on the one I'm wearing breaks and the bag throws itself on the floor in rebellion. I blushed heavily and quickly the scoop the old one up, trying to casually laugh and say, "well that's the end of that one". I hurry out of the store.
At this point I realise I've been in town a while and it dawns on me that without a sim in either phone no one is able to contact me. I sit down in the shopping centre and try to set my phone up, but the damn sim slot wont open. Frustrated I hurry into the Apple store and bashfully ask one of the guys if they can put the sim in for me. When I take it out, he eyes it suspiciously and I explain the 3 store dilemma. The Apple guy looks as if he may fall of his chair. He tells me that this is something that the 3 guy should absolutely not have done as it is not a guaranteed solution and that the sim swap is something they can easily do in 5 minutes. When he tries to enter the sim, it doesn't fit. He is unable to do a sim swap in store. It won't fit back into my old phone either. I start to panic as I realise I can't even call one of my techie friends for help. I have no phone. Sensing my panic, the Apple guy apologises profusely for my experience. I tell him it's not his fault, but still am hyperventilating at the revelation that I have no phone to use. I cave and end up buying another sim card from the Apple store just so I can call my mum and shout about the whole experience. The guy was super nice and helped me to set up my phone and get to the point where I could make calls.
I got home and fortunately my dad managed to cut it down slightly more and make it fit. Now I have an iPhone 5S woo hoo. Then a day later my car broke down. Only in my life.
The point of this post was more or less to let you guys know that these ridiculous, unbelievable, frustrating things do in fact happen to us all. You are not alone. Just remember that at the end of the day, it's not all that bad and you can always at least make a good blog post about it ;)
Puddy <3
Monday 6 January 2014
Christmas Haul 2013
Hey all!
Just a quick post to let you know that my Christmas Haul 2013 video is all edited and uploaded to YouTube, yay! I tried to embed it below so you guys could watch it on this page, but the stupid tool won't find the video grr! So here is the link below. Please show it some love :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGYkWdzdrNw&feature=c4-overview&list=UURMMeFTAy-HFYSQwC6DlNLA
Puddy <3
Just a quick post to let you know that my Christmas Haul 2013 video is all edited and uploaded to YouTube, yay! I tried to embed it below so you guys could watch it on this page, but the stupid tool won't find the video grr! So here is the link below. Please show it some love :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGYkWdzdrNw&feature=c4-overview&list=UURMMeFTAy-HFYSQwC6DlNLA
Puddy <3
Friday 3 January 2014
Reflections on 2012, thanks for 2013 and welcoming in 2014.
Well, 2013... I can't say that I'm sad you are gone. It's no secret to most people that the past 24 months have been a pretty turbulent period of my life. There have been some dark moments, feelings I will never forget, and actions I may never cease to regret. However, there has also been an incredible surge of hope, a sense of self and an optimism for the future that I have not felt in all my life.
2012 introduced me to a part of myself that I had hoped to never see again. It was a painful empty time where all of my feelings seemed to have become numb after my constant over use and abuse of them. My world was turned on it's head and there seemed to be no one that could reach me in my bubble. I had lost all motivation to continue in life, and wished more than anything to simply close my eyes and go to sleep, to not have to face myself again. There is no denying it was painful, and even looking back on it now I can feel the tugs of emptiness in my heart. But as strange as it sounds, I must admit that I am glad of the pain. I am thankful of the experiences I had, and the people who put themselves on the edge beside me to help me realise how close I was to falling. And eventually, one fateful, endless evening lying on my bedroom floor, clutching my large collection of various pain killers from the hospital, I fell from the edge. I spent an eternity in that dark void, trying with the last scrap of my strength to turn up the volume on the desperate voice in the back of my head. My voice, the one that has fought for years to be heard, to be acknowledged, telling me not to take the pills.
That night, albeit the darkest night of my life, finally snapped me. The voice of the person I had always meant to become spoke louder than I knew it could. It reminded me of all the things I had yet to do, the dreams I had once cherished, and most of all it reminded me that if I gave in now it would be admitting defeat to all the cruel people that had buried me in my hole of depression for the past ten years.
So, although with a weak, slow and frightened approach, I got up off the floor and I started to fight. There were many tears, panic attacks, episodes of sickness, friendships lost and actions regretted along the way. I made mistakes, there is no doubting that, some of them I will never be able to take back. But I fought. And it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. There is not a chance on earth that I would have made it without the people who stayed by my side, even when I was at my absolute worst, when I was volatile, terrified, sick, vulnerable, angry and exhausted.
To everyone's surprise including my own, I somehow made it to 2013. And I was actually doing alright. I had my first "proper job" and for once I wasn't working with people who bullied me. I started to take trips across the country to visit friends I hadn't seen in a while, and in March 2013 I bought my own car. This was a huge turning point for me, as I had come to think that I would never be able to drive, not much helped by being told so by some greatly negative influences in my life. Also in March I braved starting my own gaming channel with my brother, that sadly would not last long due to my lack of commitment while recovering from depression and anxiety (and in general!) but set the seed in my mind to return to at some point.
In April, a few of my friends began the difficult journey of teaching me to drive, as did my parents, and many a terrifying road trip took place. In May, my temporary contract at my job suddenly ended, and things were turned on their head for a while. Nonetheless, I bought a Merlin Pass and started to enjoy my time off for summer with my friends, and many more road trips aka driving practise to and from the attractions. I also made a new friend called Jonny, who became a staple broseph in my little clan :)
Moving on to June I introduced one of my best friends to clubbing, discovered Pewdiepie on YouTube and spent yet more time at theme parks with my friends. In July I started a new job that meant getting up at 5.30am 5 days a week, and it pretty much killed everything outside of my work life for a while. Still I managed to watch This is the End with my friends (one of my fondest memories of the year for laughing hysterically throughout) and went on a terrifying rollercoaster with Jonny.
August bought an awesome geek trip to London for my birthday, my 3rd attempt in 6 years at a nose piercing, I introduced one of my best mates to the magic that is Les Miserables, went to an advance preview of About Time with my mum and it became our favourite movie ever and made a stop motion video with one of my besties. In September I re-launched my blogging, starting to post regularly to my PuddyGeeks blog! I also met some amazing new friends and got pestered by numerous relatives for being single.
I really enjoyed scaring the crap out of some kids for Halloween, and experimenting to make some hella creepy zombie make up for a night on the town. Sadly also in October I failed my driving test twice and my beautiful dog Tia who had been a part of our family for nearly 13 years suddenly had to be put down. It happened the night before my mums birthday, and so I had to delay my surprise trip to London and tickets to Les Miserables for her and myself. ALSO, I quit my job, booked my solo trip to Barcelona for November, bought tickets to see Taylor Swift with one of my best friends in Feb '14, and got ridiculously drunk on a night out with Jonny, felt like a teenager again. It was a very eventful month.
In November I went to London for the day with mum for the first time and took her to see Les Mis for the first time in 10 years. She spent 10 years hinting that she'd love to see it again. I also took a life changing trip to Barcelona for 5 days completely by myself. Both of these experiences can be found in detail on my blog ;) I also went to a New Look Spring/Summer VIP preview, realised I had left my designer glasses in Barcelona and returned to my original employer where I was happy, in an even better position that I had been in before!
Finally in December I went to see the Lion King in London for one of my best friends 23rd birthday, visited my friend in hospital, started an Indiegogo campaign and booked a bungee jump to buy a new wheelchair for my friend, shared my 12-18 month bucket list with all of you, finally posted my Geek On-Tour Barcelona video, opened a pinterest, tumblr and google+ to become more involved online, bought my first Macbook to show commitment to my blog and YouTube, bought professional soft lights for my videos, congratulated my cousin on her engagement, and had my most expensive and interactive family Christmas yet.
I guess the point I am trying to make by sharing all this information is that you really never do know what is around the corner. NEVER give up, no matter how bad life gets, because only you have the power to change it and the only thing that will come of you ending your life here is that you will not achieve all those things you dreamt of nor will you become that person that shows the world what you're worth even after everything you have been through. Only you can change it, and most importantly only you can change yourself.
I look back at the past 2 years and I can hardly recognise myself. I know I still have a heck of a way to go to becoming that person who owns the voice in the back of my head, but now I look forward to it, and the person I was 2 years ago didn't even want to become her any more. I'm becoming someone who is self sure, strong and optimistic and that's something I have never been. Every day I can feel my perspective of the world changing a step at a time and I feel like my eyes are finally starting to perceive the beauty and all the opportunities around me. I am the master of my life, my body, my heart and my soul and you had better believe that I will protect them with everything I have. I'm not afraid any more, not of everything. I still get scared, sometimes things overwhelm me or sometimes I have to deal with something I'm not quite over yet. The difference is, I no longer spend 99% of my life in fear, and that is something I am truly proud of.
This next year is going to bring in more change than the past two combined, and to help keep myself on track I plan on writing something positive that happened each day on my calendar and scanning it onto my blog for you all to follow my journey with me at the end of each month. Thank you to each and every one of you, however few that is, for supporting me on this journey. I sincerely hope that this page can help at least one of you to pull yourself back from that edge just long enough to see everything that you can have if you choose to.
I will be sharing my favourite photos of the year, and photos associated with the events above on another post if any of you are interested! If you would like to see them leave a comment below :)
Puddy <3
2012 introduced me to a part of myself that I had hoped to never see again. It was a painful empty time where all of my feelings seemed to have become numb after my constant over use and abuse of them. My world was turned on it's head and there seemed to be no one that could reach me in my bubble. I had lost all motivation to continue in life, and wished more than anything to simply close my eyes and go to sleep, to not have to face myself again. There is no denying it was painful, and even looking back on it now I can feel the tugs of emptiness in my heart. But as strange as it sounds, I must admit that I am glad of the pain. I am thankful of the experiences I had, and the people who put themselves on the edge beside me to help me realise how close I was to falling. And eventually, one fateful, endless evening lying on my bedroom floor, clutching my large collection of various pain killers from the hospital, I fell from the edge. I spent an eternity in that dark void, trying with the last scrap of my strength to turn up the volume on the desperate voice in the back of my head. My voice, the one that has fought for years to be heard, to be acknowledged, telling me not to take the pills.
That night, albeit the darkest night of my life, finally snapped me. The voice of the person I had always meant to become spoke louder than I knew it could. It reminded me of all the things I had yet to do, the dreams I had once cherished, and most of all it reminded me that if I gave in now it would be admitting defeat to all the cruel people that had buried me in my hole of depression for the past ten years.
So, although with a weak, slow and frightened approach, I got up off the floor and I started to fight. There were many tears, panic attacks, episodes of sickness, friendships lost and actions regretted along the way. I made mistakes, there is no doubting that, some of them I will never be able to take back. But I fought. And it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. There is not a chance on earth that I would have made it without the people who stayed by my side, even when I was at my absolute worst, when I was volatile, terrified, sick, vulnerable, angry and exhausted.
To everyone's surprise including my own, I somehow made it to 2013. And I was actually doing alright. I had my first "proper job" and for once I wasn't working with people who bullied me. I started to take trips across the country to visit friends I hadn't seen in a while, and in March 2013 I bought my own car. This was a huge turning point for me, as I had come to think that I would never be able to drive, not much helped by being told so by some greatly negative influences in my life. Also in March I braved starting my own gaming channel with my brother, that sadly would not last long due to my lack of commitment while recovering from depression and anxiety (and in general!) but set the seed in my mind to return to at some point.
In April, a few of my friends began the difficult journey of teaching me to drive, as did my parents, and many a terrifying road trip took place. In May, my temporary contract at my job suddenly ended, and things were turned on their head for a while. Nonetheless, I bought a Merlin Pass and started to enjoy my time off for summer with my friends, and many more road trips aka driving practise to and from the attractions. I also made a new friend called Jonny, who became a staple broseph in my little clan :)
Moving on to June I introduced one of my best friends to clubbing, discovered Pewdiepie on YouTube and spent yet more time at theme parks with my friends. In July I started a new job that meant getting up at 5.30am 5 days a week, and it pretty much killed everything outside of my work life for a while. Still I managed to watch This is the End with my friends (one of my fondest memories of the year for laughing hysterically throughout) and went on a terrifying rollercoaster with Jonny.
August bought an awesome geek trip to London for my birthday, my 3rd attempt in 6 years at a nose piercing, I introduced one of my best mates to the magic that is Les Miserables, went to an advance preview of About Time with my mum and it became our favourite movie ever and made a stop motion video with one of my besties. In September I re-launched my blogging, starting to post regularly to my PuddyGeeks blog! I also met some amazing new friends and got pestered by numerous relatives for being single.
I really enjoyed scaring the crap out of some kids for Halloween, and experimenting to make some hella creepy zombie make up for a night on the town. Sadly also in October I failed my driving test twice and my beautiful dog Tia who had been a part of our family for nearly 13 years suddenly had to be put down. It happened the night before my mums birthday, and so I had to delay my surprise trip to London and tickets to Les Miserables for her and myself. ALSO, I quit my job, booked my solo trip to Barcelona for November, bought tickets to see Taylor Swift with one of my best friends in Feb '14, and got ridiculously drunk on a night out with Jonny, felt like a teenager again. It was a very eventful month.
In November I went to London for the day with mum for the first time and took her to see Les Mis for the first time in 10 years. She spent 10 years hinting that she'd love to see it again. I also took a life changing trip to Barcelona for 5 days completely by myself. Both of these experiences can be found in detail on my blog ;) I also went to a New Look Spring/Summer VIP preview, realised I had left my designer glasses in Barcelona and returned to my original employer where I was happy, in an even better position that I had been in before!
Finally in December I went to see the Lion King in London for one of my best friends 23rd birthday, visited my friend in hospital, started an Indiegogo campaign and booked a bungee jump to buy a new wheelchair for my friend, shared my 12-18 month bucket list with all of you, finally posted my Geek On-Tour Barcelona video, opened a pinterest, tumblr and google+ to become more involved online, bought my first Macbook to show commitment to my blog and YouTube, bought professional soft lights for my videos, congratulated my cousin on her engagement, and had my most expensive and interactive family Christmas yet.
I guess the point I am trying to make by sharing all this information is that you really never do know what is around the corner. NEVER give up, no matter how bad life gets, because only you have the power to change it and the only thing that will come of you ending your life here is that you will not achieve all those things you dreamt of nor will you become that person that shows the world what you're worth even after everything you have been through. Only you can change it, and most importantly only you can change yourself.
I look back at the past 2 years and I can hardly recognise myself. I know I still have a heck of a way to go to becoming that person who owns the voice in the back of my head, but now I look forward to it, and the person I was 2 years ago didn't even want to become her any more. I'm becoming someone who is self sure, strong and optimistic and that's something I have never been. Every day I can feel my perspective of the world changing a step at a time and I feel like my eyes are finally starting to perceive the beauty and all the opportunities around me. I am the master of my life, my body, my heart and my soul and you had better believe that I will protect them with everything I have. I'm not afraid any more, not of everything. I still get scared, sometimes things overwhelm me or sometimes I have to deal with something I'm not quite over yet. The difference is, I no longer spend 99% of my life in fear, and that is something I am truly proud of.
This next year is going to bring in more change than the past two combined, and to help keep myself on track I plan on writing something positive that happened each day on my calendar and scanning it onto my blog for you all to follow my journey with me at the end of each month. Thank you to each and every one of you, however few that is, for supporting me on this journey. I sincerely hope that this page can help at least one of you to pull yourself back from that edge just long enough to see everything that you can have if you choose to.
I will be sharing my favourite photos of the year, and photos associated with the events above on another post if any of you are interested! If you would like to see them leave a comment below :)
Puddy <3
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