I'm the best thing that never happened to you.

They say that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again expecting different results, but I'm not sure I agree with that. I've seen plenty of crazy people, and they only need to do something once to know it's stupid. Whereas us 'normal people' can go an entire a life time making the same mistakes, especially in love, without learning to just stop doing it.

I must admit that I am one of those such people. Sometimes it's just easier to be optimistic about the situation, or to believe in someone proving you wrong, than it is to face the truth even when it's staring you in face. Sometimes you just want something so bad that you can't accept that it isn't possible to have it. When it comes to your emotions it's near on impossible to control them and as I've said many times before, the heart wants what the heart wants.

I've been living my life very differently in the past year. I'm learning that most of the time the pain of regret, the pain that comes from taking a chance, is better than the regret of living in caution. Every now and then, it's better to take a chance on something or someone, even if you're 99% sure that it's going to go wrong, because otherwise the regret of "what if" will eat you up inside. I decided to start biting the bullet and dealing with consequences afterwards. Mostly it's been working well for me, and I've had some great experiences because of it. But this time I've been burnt.

For the last few months I've been behaving like a pathetic beat up puppy, living with the "what if's" after following my brain instead of my heart and deciding not to take a chance on someone. I've been moping around feeling very sorry for myself, and literally feeling withdrawal for not allowing myself to see this person while I tried to deal with my attraction to them. I was keeping my hurt at bay most of the time by convincing myself that one day I'd be capable of being friends with them. But a lot of the time I was having huge pangs of hurt over the deprival of not sharing my feelings with them. It was eating me up inside and at the same time causing me to feel really angry at myself for being so totally out of character over someone who I already knew I could not pursue anything with. I knew it wasn't worth the risk of rejection, nor the time wasted on a relationship that I could already see wouldn't work.

Eventually, I figured if I was suffering this badly already, then how much worse could it get if I got hurt? So I reached out a little, and tested the waters. And the waters did, as predicted, burn me. I'm really angry at myself for being so weak and ignoring my better judgement over some stupid soppy feelings. But at the same time I'm incredibly proud of myself for putting my feelings out there and risking my biggest fear: rejection. It's helped me to realise that it's not so bad. I was rejected a hell of a lot by stupid boys when I was younger, and I survived. As an adult confident woman who knows herself and is proud of herself, what have I got to fear? That one guy I like won't want me back? I have survived far worse in my life so far, and I am sure I will experience many more worse situations yet.

It turns out that finding out I was exactly right in my prediction was just what I needed and now I am back on the path of being single, happy and doing whatever I want. Because let's face it, I don't need a man telling me he's scared for me to bungee jump, or that he doesn't want me to go away with just my girl mate and would rather I went with him, or not to spend the evening in my jammies looking like I've been dragged through a bush backwards cuz it turns him off. Screw that. I do what I want when I want. Thug life.

Puddy <3