Things I've been thinking lately

Okay, okay I suck at blogging, I am a terrible blogger. I am going to try and write all of this weeks posts in advance so I fail less this week, but we'll see :P

I was thinking earlier of coming on here and writing something really inspirational and fluffy. But now I'm really tired so instead you are stuck with the hopeless wonderings of my tired mind...with some fluffy inspirational stuff sprinkled on top wherever I manage.

Recently, I've thought about inspiration and what makes someone inspirational. What are the requirements to being a good role model? How do we know whether someone's actions are inspirational, or just good? What causes us to want to be like someone else? It's got me wondering if I really should be comparing myself to other people that I admire, or if I should be spending more time on becoming the person I want to be. Perhaps instead I should be my own inspiration.

I've been looking back again, comparing the person I am not to a 6 months ago, a year ago, two years ago. I've discovered that actually, the changes I've made to my life and my way of thinking are quite inspirational, in the way that they drive me to continue evolving. For once, I can say that I am proud of the person I'm becoming, step by step, even if I stumble and relapse here and there.

Life is full of surprises they say, and I'm beginning to learn how true that is. On more than one occasion, I've blogged about how much people can improve an already awesome experience, and it's been a constant learning curve during the ups and downs of changing my lifestyle. I have many incredible people in my life who help me every day to remember to smile and keep positive, but right now I'd like to tell you about one in particular who has really shown me how quickly things can change.

A couple of months ago, my company took on a new recruit, and I was pretty excited as she was the first person anywhere near my age to join in a while. It took literally around 2 shifts before I realised that this girl was about to change my day to day life majorly. She kept cracking me up with the way she was so relaxed, and so unforgivingly confident and we actually clicked in no time. We were gossiping about our love lives, and getting to know that our backstories really weren't all that different. I invited her on a night out as she had never been to town and we laughed our hearts out from getting dressed in my room, to having to run for the train, to stumbling home with cheesey chips at 2am. Not long after that I got pretty sick with my appendicitis, and not only did she come to visit me in the hospital, but she organised a collection around work that bought me a lovely orchid plant, some chocolates and a card signed by all my colleagues. Since then, we've been joined at the hip, and generally spend most of our time cackling in the corner of the office like naughty school girls. I absolutely adore her and I couldn't imagine my life without her. As I posted on Facebook earlier, a friend that within a month of knowing you, runs to get you a bin, holds in front of you while you are sick, pushes your wet hair out of your face, and walks backwards down the stairs to keep the bin in front of you while you walk to an ambulance is a friend for life. I love you Sarah you munchkin <3

There's a few more lovely people that have cropped up from nowhere, one in particular recently (if you're mad enough to be reading this, big kiss to you!) that have helped remind me that you never know what's around the corner. Two years ago I would never have been brave enough to get to know any of these people, but I'm so glad I did because they serve as a constant reminder that only I can decide who I am, where my life goes and how I let my past affect me.

One last thought: the things that happened to you made you who you are today, and whether you are proud of them or not, you shouldn't regret them. However they don't have to shape who you become from now on, that is entirely your choice, so don't let anyone take it away from you.

Lots of love and happy thoughts

Puddy <3

I'm the best thing that never happened to you.

They say that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again expecting different results, but I'm not sure I agree with that. I've seen plenty of crazy people, and they only need to do something once to know it's stupid. Whereas us 'normal people' can go an entire a life time making the same mistakes, especially in love, without learning to just stop doing it.

I must admit that I am one of those such people. Sometimes it's just easier to be optimistic about the situation, or to believe in someone proving you wrong, than it is to face the truth even when it's staring you in face. Sometimes you just want something so bad that you can't accept that it isn't possible to have it. When it comes to your emotions it's near on impossible to control them and as I've said many times before, the heart wants what the heart wants.

I've been living my life very differently in the past year. I'm learning that most of the time the pain of regret, the pain that comes from taking a chance, is better than the regret of living in caution. Every now and then, it's better to take a chance on something or someone, even if you're 99% sure that it's going to go wrong, because otherwise the regret of "what if" will eat you up inside. I decided to start biting the bullet and dealing with consequences afterwards. Mostly it's been working well for me, and I've had some great experiences because of it. But this time I've been burnt.

For the last few months I've been behaving like a pathetic beat up puppy, living with the "what if's" after following my brain instead of my heart and deciding not to take a chance on someone. I've been moping around feeling very sorry for myself, and literally feeling withdrawal for not allowing myself to see this person while I tried to deal with my attraction to them. I was keeping my hurt at bay most of the time by convincing myself that one day I'd be capable of being friends with them. But a lot of the time I was having huge pangs of hurt over the deprival of not sharing my feelings with them. It was eating me up inside and at the same time causing me to feel really angry at myself for being so totally out of character over someone who I already knew I could not pursue anything with. I knew it wasn't worth the risk of rejection, nor the time wasted on a relationship that I could already see wouldn't work.

Eventually, I figured if I was suffering this badly already, then how much worse could it get if I got hurt? So I reached out a little, and tested the waters. And the waters did, as predicted, burn me. I'm really angry at myself for being so weak and ignoring my better judgement over some stupid soppy feelings. But at the same time I'm incredibly proud of myself for putting my feelings out there and risking my biggest fear: rejection. It's helped me to realise that it's not so bad. I was rejected a hell of a lot by stupid boys when I was younger, and I survived. As an adult confident woman who knows herself and is proud of herself, what have I got to fear? That one guy I like won't want me back? I have survived far worse in my life so far, and I am sure I will experience many more worse situations yet.

It turns out that finding out I was exactly right in my prediction was just what I needed and now I am back on the path of being single, happy and doing whatever I want. Because let's face it, I don't need a man telling me he's scared for me to bungee jump, or that he doesn't want me to go away with just my girl mate and would rather I went with him, or not to spend the evening in my jammies looking like I've been dragged through a bush backwards cuz it turns him off. Screw that. I do what I want when I want. Thug life.

Puddy <3