Okay, okay I suck at blogging, I am a terrible blogger. I am going to try and write all of this weeks posts in advance so I fail less this week, but we'll see :P
I was thinking earlier of coming on here and writing something really inspirational and fluffy. But now I'm really tired so instead you are stuck with the hopeless wonderings of my tired mind...with some fluffy inspirational stuff sprinkled on top wherever I manage.
Recently, I've thought about inspiration and what makes someone inspirational. What are the requirements to being a good role model? How do we know whether someone's actions are inspirational, or just good? What causes us to want to be like someone else? It's got me wondering if I really should be comparing myself to other people that I admire, or if I should be spending more time on becoming the person I want to be. Perhaps instead I should be my own inspiration.
I've been looking back again, comparing the person I am not to a 6 months ago, a year ago, two years ago. I've discovered that actually, the changes I've made to my life and my way of thinking are quite inspirational, in the way that they drive me to continue evolving. For once, I can say that I am proud of the person I'm becoming, step by step, even if I stumble and relapse here and there.
Life is full of surprises they say, and I'm beginning to learn how true that is. On more than one occasion, I've blogged about how much people can improve an already awesome experience, and it's been a constant learning curve during the ups and downs of changing my lifestyle. I have many incredible people in my life who help me every day to remember to smile and keep positive, but right now I'd like to tell you about one in particular who has really shown me how quickly things can change.
A couple of months ago, my company took on a new recruit, and I was pretty excited as she was the first person anywhere near my age to join in a while. It took literally around 2 shifts before I realised that this girl was about to change my day to day life majorly. She kept cracking me up with the way she was so relaxed, and so unforgivingly confident and we actually clicked in no time. We were gossiping about our love lives, and getting to know that our backstories really weren't all that different. I invited her on a night out as she had never been to town and we laughed our hearts out from getting dressed in my room, to having to run for the train, to stumbling home with cheesey chips at 2am. Not long after that I got pretty sick with my appendicitis, and not only did she come to visit me in the hospital, but she organised a collection around work that bought me a lovely orchid plant, some chocolates and a card signed by all my colleagues. Since then, we've been joined at the hip, and generally spend most of our time cackling in the corner of the office like naughty school girls. I absolutely adore her and I couldn't imagine my life without her. As I posted on Facebook earlier, a friend that within a month of knowing you, runs to get you a bin, holds in front of you while you are sick, pushes your wet hair out of your face, and walks backwards down the stairs to keep the bin in front of you while you walk to an ambulance is a friend for life. I love you Sarah you munchkin <3
There's a few more lovely people that have cropped up from nowhere, one in particular recently (if you're mad enough to be reading this, big kiss to you!) that have helped remind me that you never know what's around the corner. Two years ago I would never have been brave enough to get to know any of these people, but I'm so glad I did because they serve as a constant reminder that only I can decide who I am, where my life goes and how I let my past affect me.
One last thought: the things that happened to you made you who you are today, and whether you are proud of them or not, you shouldn't regret them. However they don't have to shape who you become from now on, that is entirely your choice, so don't let anyone take it away from you.
Lots of love and happy thoughts
Puddy <3
Showing posts with label mistakes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mistakes. Show all posts
Monday, 31 March 2014
Friday, 31 January 2014
"Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes" - Oscar Wilde.
Another thoughtful little post today, I guess I'm reflecting more lately. I feel more compelled to share my feelings, like somehow that could help someone. If only one young person heading down the same road as I stumbles across this page, it might inspire them to take a different path. Or maybe help someone lost to rediscover themselves. I don't know. I realise my blog doesn't reach that many people, but as I start to change my life and myself, I find myself thinking of all the other people on the same journey as me, but all at different stages. I feel responsible for those people, like sharing the journey means dragging each other along. I think of all the stupid and painful things I've done along the way, the mistakes I've made, some of which still cause such crippling guilt and anxiety that I have to quickly force them from my mind, until I feel ready to deal with them. Not yet.
I've tried to create a place of positivity here, somewhere that people who relate to my story can come and feel hopeful. But I don't want to create the impression that you can simply choose to change and your life will immediately become wonderful. It takes work. It takes courage. It takes the will to fight everything you've ever known and everything you are. Sometimes that will wanes, and you end up relapsing, staring into the face of your demons. These are the hardest times of all.
I do not claim that this journey is easy, and not every part of it is positive. There's a lot of things I am yet to face, a lot of secrets in my heart that will one day escape and knock me back a few steps. The fear of that happening is ultimately what stops me from progressing any faster. I sometimes think it would be easier to simply air everything, to face it all at once so that I can move on, but I fear the damage that would cause to myself and those around me. I doubt that would help, mainly because some of these things may never be revealed, and that was always the preferable course. Were it my choice, none of these things would ever leave my heart, but unfortunately, as with most mistakes, they involve others.
People are my weakness. People are the weakness of us all. Those low, depraved people whose lives are as messy as yours, they are the only people you feel can understand you. They become the only people you have, the only people you seek out. Sadly, they become the people you trust. Those you choose to trust in your time of deepest need are often those who betray you once you decide to recover and rise far above them. I fear that every day.
The hardest part of these secrets is my own judgement of them. I cannot justify them, even when I see the same things in other people and can understand that the circumstances more than explain the actions. I know that one day, I will need professional help to deal with them, the only part of me that I can't fix alone. I can preach positivity, change, confidence but at the end of the day we all have some demons that even we can't banish.
I guess the message I'm trying to give is that you are not alone. No matter how messed up you feel, how sick, how wrong, we ALL have demons, every one of us. Some of us are simply better at hiding them than others. Others are more fortunate, of sounder mind. I would imagine someone who has never struggled with depression, anxiety or any kind of mental illness would have greater control of their demons, and would make far less mistakes as a result. I envy those people. And yet I also look up to them.
At the end of the day, the only person that can confront your mistakes is you. You are the only person that can fix it. You just have to be brave enough to face it. Remember, once you do, they can't haunt you any more, and there will be nothing left to stop you from racing through the rest of your journey. You can become whoever you want, the only obstacle is you.
Puddy <3
I've tried to create a place of positivity here, somewhere that people who relate to my story can come and feel hopeful. But I don't want to create the impression that you can simply choose to change and your life will immediately become wonderful. It takes work. It takes courage. It takes the will to fight everything you've ever known and everything you are. Sometimes that will wanes, and you end up relapsing, staring into the face of your demons. These are the hardest times of all.
I do not claim that this journey is easy, and not every part of it is positive. There's a lot of things I am yet to face, a lot of secrets in my heart that will one day escape and knock me back a few steps. The fear of that happening is ultimately what stops me from progressing any faster. I sometimes think it would be easier to simply air everything, to face it all at once so that I can move on, but I fear the damage that would cause to myself and those around me. I doubt that would help, mainly because some of these things may never be revealed, and that was always the preferable course. Were it my choice, none of these things would ever leave my heart, but unfortunately, as with most mistakes, they involve others.
People are my weakness. People are the weakness of us all. Those low, depraved people whose lives are as messy as yours, they are the only people you feel can understand you. They become the only people you have, the only people you seek out. Sadly, they become the people you trust. Those you choose to trust in your time of deepest need are often those who betray you once you decide to recover and rise far above them. I fear that every day.
The hardest part of these secrets is my own judgement of them. I cannot justify them, even when I see the same things in other people and can understand that the circumstances more than explain the actions. I know that one day, I will need professional help to deal with them, the only part of me that I can't fix alone. I can preach positivity, change, confidence but at the end of the day we all have some demons that even we can't banish.
I guess the message I'm trying to give is that you are not alone. No matter how messed up you feel, how sick, how wrong, we ALL have demons, every one of us. Some of us are simply better at hiding them than others. Others are more fortunate, of sounder mind. I would imagine someone who has never struggled with depression, anxiety or any kind of mental illness would have greater control of their demons, and would make far less mistakes as a result. I envy those people. And yet I also look up to them.
At the end of the day, the only person that can confront your mistakes is you. You are the only person that can fix it. You just have to be brave enough to face it. Remember, once you do, they can't haunt you any more, and there will be nothing left to stop you from racing through the rest of your journey. You can become whoever you want, the only obstacle is you.
Puddy <3
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