"Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes" - Oscar Wilde.

Another thoughtful little post today, I guess I'm reflecting more lately. I feel more compelled to share my feelings, like somehow that could help someone. If only one young person heading down the same road as I stumbles across this page, it might inspire them to take a different path. Or maybe help someone lost to rediscover themselves. I don't know. I realise my blog doesn't reach that many people, but as I start to change my life and myself, I find myself thinking of all the other people on the same journey as me, but all at different stages. I feel responsible for those people, like sharing the journey means dragging each other along. I think of all the stupid and painful things I've done along the way, the mistakes I've made, some of which still cause such crippling guilt and anxiety that I have to quickly force them from my mind, until I feel ready to deal with them. Not yet.

I've tried to create a place of positivity here, somewhere that people who relate to my story can come and feel hopeful. But I don't want to create the impression that you can simply choose to change and your life will immediately become wonderful. It takes work. It takes courage. It takes the will to fight everything you've ever known and everything you are. Sometimes that will wanes, and you end up relapsing, staring into the face of your demons. These are the hardest times of all.

I do not claim that this journey is easy, and not every part of it is positive. There's a lot of things I am yet to face, a lot of secrets in my heart that will one day escape and knock me back a few steps. The fear of that happening is ultimately what stops me from progressing any faster. I sometimes think it would be easier to simply air everything, to face it all at once so that I can move on, but I fear the damage that would cause to myself and those around me. I doubt that would help, mainly because some of these things may never be revealed, and that was always the preferable course. Were it my choice, none of these things would ever leave my heart, but unfortunately, as with most mistakes, they involve others.

People are my weakness. People are the weakness of us all. Those low, depraved people whose lives are as messy as yours, they are the only people you feel can understand you. They become the only people you have, the only people you seek out. Sadly, they become the people you trust. Those you choose to trust in your time of deepest need are often those who betray you once you decide to recover and rise far above them. I fear that every day.

The hardest part of these secrets is my own judgement of them. I cannot justify them, even when I see the same things in other people and can understand that the circumstances more than explain the actions. I know that one day, I will need professional help to deal with them, the only part of me that I can't fix alone. I can preach positivity, change, confidence but at the end of the day we all have some demons that even we can't banish.

I guess the message I'm trying to give is that you are not alone. No matter how messed up you feel, how sick, how wrong, we ALL have demons, every one of us. Some of us are simply better at hiding them than others. Others are more fortunate, of sounder mind. I would imagine someone who has never struggled with depression, anxiety or any kind of mental illness would have greater control of their demons, and would make far less mistakes as a result. I envy those people. And yet I also look up to them.

At the end of the day, the only person that can confront your mistakes is you. You are the only person that can fix it. You just have to be brave enough to face it. Remember, once you do, they can't haunt you any more, and there will be nothing left to stop you from racing through the rest of your journey. You can become whoever you want, the only obstacle is you.

Puddy <3

I'm the best thing that never happened to you.

They say that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again expecting different results, but I'm not sure I agree with that. I've seen plenty of crazy people, and they only need to do something once to know it's stupid. Whereas us 'normal people' can go an entire a life time making the same mistakes, especially in love, without learning to just stop doing it.

I must admit that I am one of those such people. Sometimes it's just easier to be optimistic about the situation, or to believe in someone proving you wrong, than it is to face the truth even when it's staring you in face. Sometimes you just want something so bad that you can't accept that it isn't possible to have it. When it comes to your emotions it's near on impossible to control them and as I've said many times before, the heart wants what the heart wants.

I've been living my life very differently in the past year. I'm learning that most of the time the pain of regret, the pain that comes from taking a chance, is better than the regret of living in caution. Every now and then, it's better to take a chance on something or someone, even if you're 99% sure that it's going to go wrong, because otherwise the regret of "what if" will eat you up inside. I decided to start biting the bullet and dealing with consequences afterwards. Mostly it's been working well for me, and I've had some great experiences because of it. But this time I've been burnt.

For the last few months I've been behaving like a pathetic beat up puppy, living with the "what if's" after following my brain instead of my heart and deciding not to take a chance on someone. I've been moping around feeling very sorry for myself, and literally feeling withdrawal for not allowing myself to see this person while I tried to deal with my attraction to them. I was keeping my hurt at bay most of the time by convincing myself that one day I'd be capable of being friends with them. But a lot of the time I was having huge pangs of hurt over the deprival of not sharing my feelings with them. It was eating me up inside and at the same time causing me to feel really angry at myself for being so totally out of character over someone who I already knew I could not pursue anything with. I knew it wasn't worth the risk of rejection, nor the time wasted on a relationship that I could already see wouldn't work.

Eventually, I figured if I was suffering this badly already, then how much worse could it get if I got hurt? So I reached out a little, and tested the waters. And the waters did, as predicted, burn me. I'm really angry at myself for being so weak and ignoring my better judgement over some stupid soppy feelings. But at the same time I'm incredibly proud of myself for putting my feelings out there and risking my biggest fear: rejection. It's helped me to realise that it's not so bad. I was rejected a hell of a lot by stupid boys when I was younger, and I survived. As an adult confident woman who knows herself and is proud of herself, what have I got to fear? That one guy I like won't want me back? I have survived far worse in my life so far, and I am sure I will experience many more worse situations yet.

It turns out that finding out I was exactly right in my prediction was just what I needed and now I am back on the path of being single, happy and doing whatever I want. Because let's face it, I don't need a man telling me he's scared for me to bungee jump, or that he doesn't want me to go away with just my girl mate and would rather I went with him, or not to spend the evening in my jammies looking like I've been dragged through a bush backwards cuz it turns him off. Screw that. I do what I want when I want. Thug life.

Puddy <3