"Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes" - Oscar Wilde.

Another thoughtful little post today, I guess I'm reflecting more lately. I feel more compelled to share my feelings, like somehow that could help someone. If only one young person heading down the same road as I stumbles across this page, it might inspire them to take a different path. Or maybe help someone lost to rediscover themselves. I don't know. I realise my blog doesn't reach that many people, but as I start to change my life and myself, I find myself thinking of all the other people on the same journey as me, but all at different stages. I feel responsible for those people, like sharing the journey means dragging each other along. I think of all the stupid and painful things I've done along the way, the mistakes I've made, some of which still cause such crippling guilt and anxiety that I have to quickly force them from my mind, until I feel ready to deal with them. Not yet.

I've tried to create a place of positivity here, somewhere that people who relate to my story can come and feel hopeful. But I don't want to create the impression that you can simply choose to change and your life will immediately become wonderful. It takes work. It takes courage. It takes the will to fight everything you've ever known and everything you are. Sometimes that will wanes, and you end up relapsing, staring into the face of your demons. These are the hardest times of all.

I do not claim that this journey is easy, and not every part of it is positive. There's a lot of things I am yet to face, a lot of secrets in my heart that will one day escape and knock me back a few steps. The fear of that happening is ultimately what stops me from progressing any faster. I sometimes think it would be easier to simply air everything, to face it all at once so that I can move on, but I fear the damage that would cause to myself and those around me. I doubt that would help, mainly because some of these things may never be revealed, and that was always the preferable course. Were it my choice, none of these things would ever leave my heart, but unfortunately, as with most mistakes, they involve others.

People are my weakness. People are the weakness of us all. Those low, depraved people whose lives are as messy as yours, they are the only people you feel can understand you. They become the only people you have, the only people you seek out. Sadly, they become the people you trust. Those you choose to trust in your time of deepest need are often those who betray you once you decide to recover and rise far above them. I fear that every day.

The hardest part of these secrets is my own judgement of them. I cannot justify them, even when I see the same things in other people and can understand that the circumstances more than explain the actions. I know that one day, I will need professional help to deal with them, the only part of me that I can't fix alone. I can preach positivity, change, confidence but at the end of the day we all have some demons that even we can't banish.

I guess the message I'm trying to give is that you are not alone. No matter how messed up you feel, how sick, how wrong, we ALL have demons, every one of us. Some of us are simply better at hiding them than others. Others are more fortunate, of sounder mind. I would imagine someone who has never struggled with depression, anxiety or any kind of mental illness would have greater control of their demons, and would make far less mistakes as a result. I envy those people. And yet I also look up to them.

At the end of the day, the only person that can confront your mistakes is you. You are the only person that can fix it. You just have to be brave enough to face it. Remember, once you do, they can't haunt you any more, and there will be nothing left to stop you from racing through the rest of your journey. You can become whoever you want, the only obstacle is you.

Puddy <3

My Bucket List for the next 12-18 months.

So in my journey for control of my anxiety and making up all the time I've lost to it, I've started a sort of bucket list. There are many thing I've missed over the years, and many crazy little ideas that pop into my head only to be lost. This list is my way of ensuring I experience as much as possible in as little time as possible. It has a deadline yes, because I want to have a set point to look back and smile at how much I've done. And because I'm challenging myself. And also because yes, a lot of these experiences are best done when young and single with few commitments, so I am racing the clock a little here. Although there is a deadline, there is not an ending to this list. Anything I haven't achieve in the next 12-18 months will be going on to my next list, whether that be another short time list, or more of a 'things to do before I die' style list I don't yet know. I'm just kind of going with it right now.

I'll be amending and adding things to this as I go along, so as well as posting it as an actual post, I'll be adding it as a page on my blog so you guys can go back and check how it is going at any time. If you have any suggestions for this list, feel free to leave them in a comment for me, I'd love to see them! Anything in bold green has been accomplished, woo hoo!

1. Go on an all out, expensive shopping spree.
2. Brave a spa - day. Maybe even combine it with shopping, hair styling, nails and other luxuries. Make a weekend of it.
3. Go zorbing.
4. Go horseriding (and not whinge in fear the whole time this time around!)
5. Experience Halloween in the USA.
6. Sleep under the stars on the beach.
7. Go to a drive in movie.
8. Experience New Years Eve in Times Square, New York.
9. Finally take my mum to see Cirque du Soleil after 10 years of her saying she wants to see it.
10. Celebrate St Patricks Day in Ireland.
11. Learn to speak another language.
12. Meet a celebrity idol or YouTuber.
13. Drive a supercar.
14. Scubadive, even though I am petrified of the sea and fish being in the water with me. See tropical fish and the pretty parts of the sea.
15. Go to Vidcon.
16. Go to Playlist Live.
17. Go to Comic con.
18. Drive Route 66/go on a real American road trip.
19. Drink a cocktail from a coconut.
20. Succeed on Youtube and Blogging.
21. Volunteer as a zombie in 2.8 hours later (and experience the free night as a player).
22. Go for a weekend to Isle of Wight and revisit the places I missed when I lived there.
23. Go paintballing after the trauma of my first paintballing experience.
24. Go to London Gaming Con and geek out for a solid weekend.
25. Bungee jump for charity despite my horrific fear of heights.
26. Confront as many fears as possible (in case you hadn't noticed that theme yet).
27. Travel alone.
28. Ride a scooter around Rome (get my motorcycle licence) [firstly finally pass my car driving test!]
29. Go shopping in Milan (stop being so tight and buy something posh and expensive!)
30. Go to London Fashion Week (or better yet get invited due to Blog or Youtube success!! See point 20)
31. Work out regularly/tone up/be happy with my figure.
32. Go to V festival luxury camping.
33. Finally go to Fright Nights at Thorpe Park, and confront the mazes that make me wee a little just from the adverts!
34. Go to a football match all facepainted up and cheer even though I don't know what's going on!
35. Get a guy friend to come along and explain football.
36. Host a Christmas party/get together for my all my closest friends.
37. Host Halloween with people who equally enjoy it! (The opposite of anyone in my family! :P)
38. Purchase several different gaming consoles and work on my own collection of games.