Reflections on 2012, thanks for 2013 and welcoming in 2014.

Well, 2013... I can't say that I'm sad you are gone. It's no secret to most people that the past 24 months have been a pretty turbulent period of my life. There have been some dark moments, feelings I will never forget, and actions I may never cease to regret. However, there has also been an incredible surge of hope, a sense of self and an optimism for the future that I have not felt in all my life.

2012 introduced me to a part of myself that I had hoped to never see again. It was a painful empty time where all of my feelings seemed to have become numb after my constant over use and abuse of them. My world was turned on it's head and there seemed to be no one that could reach me in my bubble. I had lost all motivation to continue in life, and wished more than anything to simply close my eyes and go to sleep, to not have to face myself again. There is no denying it was painful, and even looking back on it now I can feel the tugs of emptiness in my heart. But as strange as it sounds, I must admit that I am glad of the pain. I am thankful of the experiences I had, and the people who put themselves on the edge beside me to help me realise how close I was to falling. And eventually, one fateful, endless evening lying on my bedroom floor, clutching my large collection of various pain killers from the hospital, I fell from the edge. I spent an eternity in that dark void, trying with the last scrap of my strength to turn up the volume on the desperate voice in the back of my head. My voice, the one that has fought for years to be heard, to be acknowledged, telling me not to take the pills.

That night, albeit the darkest night of my life, finally snapped me. The voice of the person I had always meant to become spoke louder than I knew it could. It reminded me of all the things I had yet to do, the dreams I had once cherished, and most of all it reminded me that if I gave in now it would be admitting defeat to all the cruel people that had buried me in my hole of depression for the past ten years.

So, although with a weak, slow and frightened approach, I got up off the floor and I started to fight. There were many tears, panic attacks, episodes of sickness, friendships lost and actions regretted along the way. I made mistakes, there is no doubting that, some of them I will never be able to take back. But I fought. And it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. There is not a chance on earth that I would have made it without the people who stayed by my side, even when I was at my absolute worst, when I was volatile, terrified, sick, vulnerable, angry and exhausted.

To everyone's surprise including my own, I somehow made it to 2013. And I was actually doing alright. I had my first "proper job" and for once I wasn't working with people who bullied me. I started to take trips across the country to visit friends I hadn't seen in a while, and in March 2013 I bought my own car. This was a huge turning point for me, as I had come to think that I would never be able to drive, not much helped by being told so by some greatly negative influences in my life. Also in March I braved starting my own gaming channel with my brother, that sadly would not last long due to my lack of commitment while recovering from depression and anxiety (and in general!) but set the seed in my mind to return to at some point.

In April, a few of my friends began the difficult journey of teaching me to drive, as did my parents, and many a terrifying road trip took place. In May, my temporary contract at my job suddenly ended, and things were turned on their head for a while. Nonetheless, I bought a Merlin Pass and started to enjoy my time off for summer with my friends, and many more road trips aka driving practise to and from the attractions. I also made a new friend called Jonny, who became a staple broseph in my little clan :)

Moving on to June I introduced one of my best friends to clubbing, discovered Pewdiepie on YouTube and spent yet more time at theme parks with my friends. In July I started a new job that meant getting up at 5.30am 5 days a week, and it pretty much killed everything outside of my work life for a while. Still I managed to watch This is the End with my friends (one of my fondest memories of the year for laughing hysterically throughout) and went on a terrifying rollercoaster with Jonny.

August bought an awesome geek trip to London for my birthday, my 3rd attempt in 6 years at a nose piercing, I introduced one of my best mates to the magic that is Les Miserables, went to an advance preview of About Time with my mum and it became our favourite movie ever and made a stop motion video with one of my besties. In September I re-launched my blogging, starting to post regularly to my PuddyGeeks blog! I also met some amazing new friends and got pestered by numerous relatives for being single.

I really enjoyed scaring the crap out of some kids for Halloween, and experimenting to make some hella creepy zombie make up for a night on the town. Sadly also in October I failed my driving test twice and my beautiful dog Tia who had been a part of our family for nearly 13 years suddenly had to be put down. It happened the night before my mums birthday, and so I had to delay my surprise trip to London and tickets to Les Miserables for her and myself. ALSO, I quit my job, booked my solo trip to Barcelona for November, bought tickets to see Taylor Swift with one of my best friends in Feb '14, and got ridiculously drunk on a night out with Jonny, felt like a teenager again. It was a very eventful month.

In November I went to London for the day with mum for the first time and took her to see Les Mis for the first time in 10 years. She spent 10 years hinting that she'd love to see it again. I also took a life changing trip to Barcelona for 5 days completely by myself. Both of these experiences can be found in detail on my blog ;) I also went to a New Look Spring/Summer VIP preview, realised I had left my designer glasses in Barcelona and returned to my original employer where I was happy, in an even better position that I had been in before!

Finally in December I went to see the Lion King in London for one of my best friends 23rd birthday, visited my friend in hospital, started an Indiegogo campaign and booked a bungee jump to buy a new wheelchair for my friend, shared my 12-18 month bucket list with all of you, finally posted my Geek On-Tour Barcelona video, opened a pinterest, tumblr and google+ to become more involved online, bought my first Macbook to show commitment to my blog and YouTube, bought professional soft lights for my videos, congratulated my cousin on her engagement, and had my most expensive and interactive family Christmas yet.

I guess the point I am trying to make by sharing all this information is that you really never do know what is around the corner. NEVER give up, no matter how bad life gets, because only you have the power to change it and the only thing that will come of you ending your life here is that you will not achieve all those things you dreamt of nor will you become that person that shows the world what you're worth even after everything you have been through. Only you can change it, and most importantly only you can change yourself.

I look back at the past 2 years and I can hardly recognise myself. I know I still have a heck of a way to go to becoming that person who owns the voice in the back of my head, but now I look forward to it, and the person I was 2 years ago didn't even want to become her any more. I'm becoming someone who is self sure, strong and optimistic and that's something I have never been. Every day I can feel my perspective of the world changing a step at a time and I feel like my eyes are finally starting to perceive the beauty and all the opportunities around me. I am the master of my life, my body, my heart and my soul and you had better believe that I will protect them with everything I have. I'm not afraid any more, not of everything. I still get scared, sometimes things overwhelm me or sometimes I have to deal with something I'm not quite over yet. The difference is, I no longer spend 99% of my life in fear, and that is something I am truly proud of.

This next year is going to bring in more change than the past two combined, and to help keep myself on track I plan on writing something positive that happened each day on my calendar and scanning it onto my blog for you all to follow my journey with me at the end of each month. Thank you to each and every one of you, however few that is, for supporting me on this journey. I sincerely hope that this page can help at least one of you to pull yourself back from that edge just long enough to see everything that you can have if you choose to.

I will be sharing my favourite photos of the year, and photos associated with the events above on another post if any of you are interested! If you would like to see them leave a comment below :)

Puddy <3

My Bucket List for the next 12-18 months.

So in my journey for control of my anxiety and making up all the time I've lost to it, I've started a sort of bucket list. There are many thing I've missed over the years, and many crazy little ideas that pop into my head only to be lost. This list is my way of ensuring I experience as much as possible in as little time as possible. It has a deadline yes, because I want to have a set point to look back and smile at how much I've done. And because I'm challenging myself. And also because yes, a lot of these experiences are best done when young and single with few commitments, so I am racing the clock a little here. Although there is a deadline, there is not an ending to this list. Anything I haven't achieve in the next 12-18 months will be going on to my next list, whether that be another short time list, or more of a 'things to do before I die' style list I don't yet know. I'm just kind of going with it right now.

I'll be amending and adding things to this as I go along, so as well as posting it as an actual post, I'll be adding it as a page on my blog so you guys can go back and check how it is going at any time. If you have any suggestions for this list, feel free to leave them in a comment for me, I'd love to see them! Anything in bold green has been accomplished, woo hoo!

1. Go on an all out, expensive shopping spree.
2. Brave a spa - day. Maybe even combine it with shopping, hair styling, nails and other luxuries. Make a weekend of it.
3. Go zorbing.
4. Go horseriding (and not whinge in fear the whole time this time around!)
5. Experience Halloween in the USA.
6. Sleep under the stars on the beach.
7. Go to a drive in movie.
8. Experience New Years Eve in Times Square, New York.
9. Finally take my mum to see Cirque du Soleil after 10 years of her saying she wants to see it.
10. Celebrate St Patricks Day in Ireland.
11. Learn to speak another language.
12. Meet a celebrity idol or YouTuber.
13. Drive a supercar.
14. Scubadive, even though I am petrified of the sea and fish being in the water with me. See tropical fish and the pretty parts of the sea.
15. Go to Vidcon.
16. Go to Playlist Live.
17. Go to Comic con.
18. Drive Route 66/go on a real American road trip.
19. Drink a cocktail from a coconut.
20. Succeed on Youtube and Blogging.
21. Volunteer as a zombie in 2.8 hours later (and experience the free night as a player).
22. Go for a weekend to Isle of Wight and revisit the places I missed when I lived there.
23. Go paintballing after the trauma of my first paintballing experience.
24. Go to London Gaming Con and geek out for a solid weekend.
25. Bungee jump for charity despite my horrific fear of heights.
26. Confront as many fears as possible (in case you hadn't noticed that theme yet).
27. Travel alone.
28. Ride a scooter around Rome (get my motorcycle licence) [firstly finally pass my car driving test!]
29. Go shopping in Milan (stop being so tight and buy something posh and expensive!)
30. Go to London Fashion Week (or better yet get invited due to Blog or Youtube success!! See point 20)
31. Work out regularly/tone up/be happy with my figure.
32. Go to V festival luxury camping.
33. Finally go to Fright Nights at Thorpe Park, and confront the mazes that make me wee a little just from the adverts!
34. Go to a football match all facepainted up and cheer even though I don't know what's going on!
35. Get a guy friend to come along and explain football.
36. Host a Christmas party/get together for my all my closest friends.
37. Host Halloween with people who equally enjoy it! (The opposite of anyone in my family! :P)
38. Purchase several different gaming consoles and work on my own collection of games.