Well, 2013... I can't say that I'm sad you are gone. It's no secret to most people that the past 24 months have been a pretty turbulent period of my life. There have been some dark moments, feelings I will never forget, and actions I may never cease to regret. However, there has also been an incredible surge of hope, a sense of self and an optimism for the future that I have not felt in all my life.
2012 introduced me to a part of myself that I had hoped to never see again. It was a painful empty time where all of my feelings seemed to have become numb after my constant over use and abuse of them. My world was turned on it's head and there seemed to be no one that could reach me in my bubble. I had lost all motivation to continue in life, and wished more than anything to simply close my eyes and go to sleep, to not have to face myself again. There is no denying it was painful, and even looking back on it now I can feel the tugs of emptiness in my heart. But as strange as it sounds, I must admit that I am glad of the pain. I am thankful of the experiences I had, and the people who put themselves on the edge beside me to help me realise how close I was to falling. And eventually, one fateful, endless evening lying on my bedroom floor, clutching my large collection of various pain killers from the hospital, I fell from the edge. I spent an eternity in that dark void, trying with the last scrap of my strength to turn up the volume on the desperate voice in the back of my head. My voice, the one that has fought for years to be heard, to be acknowledged, telling me not to take the pills.
That night, albeit the darkest night of my life, finally snapped me. The voice of the person I had always meant to become spoke louder than I knew it could. It reminded me of all the things I had yet to do, the dreams I had once cherished, and most of all it reminded me that if I gave in now it would be admitting defeat to all the cruel people that had buried me in my hole of depression for the past ten years.
So, although with a weak, slow and frightened approach, I got up off the floor and I started to fight. There were many tears, panic attacks, episodes of sickness, friendships lost and actions regretted along the way. I made mistakes, there is no doubting that, some of them I will never be able to take back. But I fought. And it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. There is not a chance on earth that I would have made it without the people who stayed by my side, even when I was at my absolute worst, when I was volatile, terrified, sick, vulnerable, angry and exhausted.
To everyone's surprise including my own, I somehow made it to 2013. And I was actually doing alright. I had my first "proper job" and for once I wasn't working with people who bullied me. I started to take trips across the country to visit friends I hadn't seen in a while, and in March 2013 I bought my own car. This was a huge turning point for me, as I had come to think that I would never be able to drive, not much helped by being told so by some greatly negative influences in my life. Also in March I braved starting my own gaming channel with my brother, that sadly would not last long due to my lack of commitment while recovering from depression and anxiety (and in general!) but set the seed in my mind to return to at some point.
In April, a few of my friends began the difficult journey of teaching me to drive, as did my parents, and many a terrifying road trip took place. In May, my temporary contract at my job suddenly ended, and things were turned on their head for a while. Nonetheless, I bought a Merlin Pass and started to enjoy my time off for summer with my friends, and many more road trips aka driving practise to and from the attractions. I also made a new friend called Jonny, who became a staple broseph in my little clan :)
Moving on to June I introduced one of my best friends to clubbing, discovered Pewdiepie on YouTube and spent yet more time at theme parks with my friends. In July I started a new job that meant getting up at 5.30am 5 days a week, and it pretty much killed everything outside of my work life for a while. Still I managed to watch This is the End with my friends (one of my fondest memories of the year for laughing hysterically throughout) and went on a terrifying rollercoaster with Jonny.
August bought an awesome geek trip to London for my birthday, my 3rd attempt in 6 years at a nose piercing, I introduced one of my best mates to the magic that is Les Miserables, went to an advance preview of About Time with my mum and it became our favourite movie ever and made a stop motion video with one of my besties. In September I re-launched my blogging, starting to post regularly to my PuddyGeeks blog! I also met some amazing new friends and got pestered by numerous relatives for being single.
I really enjoyed scaring the crap out of some kids for Halloween, and experimenting to make some hella creepy zombie make up for a night on the town. Sadly also in October I failed my driving test twice and my beautiful dog Tia who had been a part of our family for nearly 13 years suddenly had to be put down. It happened the night before my mums birthday, and so I had to delay my surprise trip to London and tickets to Les Miserables for her and myself. ALSO, I quit my job, booked my solo trip to Barcelona for November, bought tickets to see Taylor Swift with one of my best friends in Feb '14, and got ridiculously drunk on a night out with Jonny, felt like a teenager again. It was a very eventful month.
In November I went to London for the day with mum for the first time and took her to see Les Mis for the first time in 10 years. She spent 10 years hinting that she'd love to see it again. I also took a life changing trip to Barcelona for 5 days completely by myself. Both of these experiences can be found in detail on my blog ;) I also went to a New Look Spring/Summer VIP preview, realised I had left my designer glasses in Barcelona and returned to my original employer where I was happy, in an even better position that I had been in before!
Finally in December I went to see the Lion King in London for one of my best friends 23rd birthday, visited my friend in hospital, started an Indiegogo campaign and booked a bungee jump to buy a new wheelchair for my friend, shared my 12-18 month bucket list with all of you, finally posted my Geek On-Tour Barcelona video, opened a pinterest, tumblr and google+ to become more involved online, bought my first Macbook to show commitment to my blog and YouTube, bought professional soft lights for my videos, congratulated my cousin on her engagement, and had my most expensive and interactive family Christmas yet.
I guess the point I am trying to make by sharing all this information is that you really never do know what is around the corner. NEVER give up, no matter how bad life gets, because only you have the power to change it and the only thing that will come of you ending your life here is that you will not achieve all those things you dreamt of nor will you become that person that shows the world what you're worth even after everything you have been through. Only you can change it, and most importantly only you can change yourself.
I look back at the past 2 years and I can hardly recognise myself. I know I still have a heck of a way to go to becoming that person who owns the voice in the back of my head, but now I look forward to it, and the person I was 2 years ago didn't even want to become her any more. I'm becoming someone who is self sure, strong and optimistic and that's something I have never been. Every day I can feel my perspective of the world changing a step at a time and I feel like my eyes are finally starting to perceive the beauty and all the opportunities around me. I am the master of my life, my body, my heart and my soul and you had better believe that I will protect them with everything I have. I'm not afraid any more, not of everything. I still get scared, sometimes things overwhelm me or sometimes I have to deal with something I'm not quite over yet. The difference is, I no longer spend 99% of my life in fear, and that is something I am truly proud of.
This next year is going to bring in more change than the past two combined, and to help keep myself on track I plan on writing something positive that happened each day on my calendar and scanning it onto my blog for you all to follow my journey with me at the end of each month. Thank you to each and every one of you, however few that is, for supporting me on this journey. I sincerely hope that this page can help at least one of you to pull yourself back from that edge just long enough to see everything that you can have if you choose to.
I will be sharing my favourite photos of the year, and photos associated with the events above on another post if any of you are interested! If you would like to see them leave a comment below :)
Puddy <3
Showing posts with label architecture. Show all posts
Showing posts with label architecture. Show all posts
Friday, 3 January 2014
Thursday, 21 November 2013
Barcelona Day Three: Selfie Saturday.
This morning I woke up with the hangover from hell. How I managed to crawl down to the common area in time for breakfast I have no idea, but I literally only made it by about 15 minutes. And even then, I didn't manage to eat much. I pretty much just lounged around feeling sorry for myself until the boys appeared. I had promised the night before to save them some breakfast, but having barely made it myself I didn't get time to scrape up food for them. Fortunately, they felt as bad as I did so no one was much in the mood to eat anyway.
We sorted out our tickets for Sagrada Familia, which turned out to be more than a little bit of a faff, and then headed to the local supermarket to stock up on supplies. I hadn't bothered to track this place down yet, but I'm so glad the guys showed me where it was as I ended up getting many a sweet treat there, and much cheap wine for the evening ;) Admittedly some of it was shit, turns out I know very little about wine especially when all the labels are in Spanish, but some of it was alright! Either way, it was cheap and we all got drunk so mission accomplished.
With my lovely new friends as tour guides, I found this day much less stressful than trying to navigate the metro and the streets by myself, not once having to stop to ask for directions. I must admit exploring was much more fun when I could just follow someone else while snapping away on my camera. We got there slightly earlier than our slot, and the fresh air had worked it's magic in curing us enough to have an appetite. Instead of looking out for something super cultural, the guys prompty found a subway. And I have to say, good call! We sat down for lunch in a small park opposite the cathedral, and even though it seemed to be inhabited by a horrifying amount of fearless pigeons, I got through the experience more or less unscathed. By this point, Matt had started a hilarious mission of the day known only as Selfie Saturday. This involves being incredibly vein and taking pictures of yourself everywhere you go, while the rest of the group photobomb you in the background. Maybe you had to be there to appreciate it, but I have to tell you this is one of my fondest memories of being in Barcelona as it only got funnier as the day went on and by the evening we were in stitches trying to take the final photo. If Matt ever posts a blog of these pictures, I will be sure to share it. If not, maybe I can persuade him to do a guest post here ;)
The Sagrada Familia was incredible and easily the most beautiful place I've ever been. The atmosphere in there was indescribably peaceful, and there was a real sense of faith that I've not felt in any other religious building before. Of course, visiting somewhere like this with a group of architecture students definitely gave it a fresh perspective, but for me it was all about feeling the most connected I have felt to my faith since I decided to become Catholic. Don't get me wrong, I still am a very pick and choose Catholic with my own opinions and beliefs, but that doesn't change the fact that in my heart I am connected to my faith.
The Sagrada Familia is where I experienced my strongest connection yet, and I truly hope this is something I get to experience again in my lifetime. I felt honoured to have the opportunity to pray in this breathtaking place of worship, and I could not thank God enough for turning my life so far around. The girl I was merely 12 months from now would never have dreamed of going on such an adventure and would certainly not have visited a cathedral to pray. I like to think of myself as living proof that you never know what is just around the corner for your life.
After playing jointly the hyped up tourist and the astounded Catholic, we decided to head over to Las Ramblas in search of a few others from architecture group. This time I took in a little more of the area, now that I wasn't stressed to hell, lost and desperate to find someone who spoke English well enough to help me! Including the cultural wonder that is McDonalds [thanks guys ;)] which it turns out is even more packed in Spain than at home. While the guys ate, we were sitting near probably the largest single group of pigeons I have ever seen in my life. They looked like a sea of pigeons, they moved together and covered an entire square. Fortunately we were just far away enough that I would have enough time to throw myself onto the floor and scream like a lunatic if they did all take off, but I can't claim to have been particularly cool about it. Still, I stayed and I didn't cry or faint in panic so that makes me proud. It's the small victories in life sometimes.
Having decided that we were not going to be able to find the others, we wondered around Barri Gotic for a while eventually making it to a museum where a whole bunch of young people of varying skill levels were making the most of the smooth level ground as an improvised skate park. It was a pretty cool setting right outside a super modern building, and I would have taken a few snaps had I not been sooo ready for an afternoon siesta. I did take an awesome shot of what the streets of Barri Gotic where like though, the only shot of that area I remembered to take it turns out!
We all headed back to the hostel for a quick siesta before another epic night of drinking. I woke up with plenty of time to spare this time, and got a shower, change of clothes, and even had time to go over to the supermarket to stock up on wine, and pastries. You know, the essentials. I had dinner at the hostel again, this time enchiladas which wasn't bad, but would have been much better if I had any skill whatever in wrapping them. I pretty much just ate chilli on an open wrap, with a knife and fork haha. This is where I met the lovely Hayley, who was kind enough to not only look after my stuff while I gathered my meal, but also let me sit with her as we were both all alone! We had a great chat and I felt like I had an awesome bond with her, so gutted she's all the way on the other side of the world :( [Wish we'd had more time girl!]. For having only just met, we actually had a DM [Deep and Meaningful, learnt indirectly through Mike from the Aussies Brandon and Cam, love this and definitely bought it home to use in England!]
That night was seriously awesome, but in a bittersweet way as it was the last night I would spend with my holiday family. Much, much alcohol was drunk and many a silly event occurred [ahem, looking at you Will for repeatedly telling me in a surprised voice that you had no socks on!] but it was all in good fun and I laughed my way through all of it. I took some of my favourite pictures of the trip that night, and for me it's strange as I pictured myself going out to enjoy the nightlife for at least most of my evenings, but it turned out the most fun for me was staying in with some cheap wine. Just goes to show you can never plan these things! Thanks again boys for making my trip so memorable and accepting me into yours! :)
I went to bed that night actually feeling quite sad as I knew tomorrow I would have to say goodbye, but even so it was wonderful to spend so much time laughing in such wonderful company. I was beginning to learn that no matter how much you plan, where you go or how amazing a trip you imagine, it's the people that make it memorable.
Puddy <3
P.S I found one of the many collectable Space Invaders spread around the city!!
We sorted out our tickets for Sagrada Familia, which turned out to be more than a little bit of a faff, and then headed to the local supermarket to stock up on supplies. I hadn't bothered to track this place down yet, but I'm so glad the guys showed me where it was as I ended up getting many a sweet treat there, and much cheap wine for the evening ;) Admittedly some of it was shit, turns out I know very little about wine especially when all the labels are in Spanish, but some of it was alright! Either way, it was cheap and we all got drunk so mission accomplished.
With my lovely new friends as tour guides, I found this day much less stressful than trying to navigate the metro and the streets by myself, not once having to stop to ask for directions. I must admit exploring was much more fun when I could just follow someone else while snapping away on my camera. We got there slightly earlier than our slot, and the fresh air had worked it's magic in curing us enough to have an appetite. Instead of looking out for something super cultural, the guys prompty found a subway. And I have to say, good call! We sat down for lunch in a small park opposite the cathedral, and even though it seemed to be inhabited by a horrifying amount of fearless pigeons, I got through the experience more or less unscathed. By this point, Matt had started a hilarious mission of the day known only as Selfie Saturday. This involves being incredibly vein and taking pictures of yourself everywhere you go, while the rest of the group photobomb you in the background. Maybe you had to be there to appreciate it, but I have to tell you this is one of my fondest memories of being in Barcelona as it only got funnier as the day went on and by the evening we were in stitches trying to take the final photo. If Matt ever posts a blog of these pictures, I will be sure to share it. If not, maybe I can persuade him to do a guest post here ;)
Matt lining the guys up for a selfie
The Sagrada Familia was incredible and easily the most beautiful place I've ever been. The atmosphere in there was indescribably peaceful, and there was a real sense of faith that I've not felt in any other religious building before. Of course, visiting somewhere like this with a group of architecture students definitely gave it a fresh perspective, but for me it was all about feeling the most connected I have felt to my faith since I decided to become Catholic. Don't get me wrong, I still am a very pick and choose Catholic with my own opinions and beliefs, but that doesn't change the fact that in my heart I am connected to my faith.
The Sagrada Familia is where I experienced my strongest connection yet, and I truly hope this is something I get to experience again in my lifetime. I felt honoured to have the opportunity to pray in this breathtaking place of worship, and I could not thank God enough for turning my life so far around. The girl I was merely 12 months from now would never have dreamed of going on such an adventure and would certainly not have visited a cathedral to pray. I like to think of myself as living proof that you never know what is just around the corner for your life.
After playing jointly the hyped up tourist and the astounded Catholic, we decided to head over to Las Ramblas in search of a few others from architecture group. This time I took in a little more of the area, now that I wasn't stressed to hell, lost and desperate to find someone who spoke English well enough to help me! Including the cultural wonder that is McDonalds [thanks guys ;)] which it turns out is even more packed in Spain than at home. While the guys ate, we were sitting near probably the largest single group of pigeons I have ever seen in my life. They looked like a sea of pigeons, they moved together and covered an entire square. Fortunately we were just far away enough that I would have enough time to throw myself onto the floor and scream like a lunatic if they did all take off, but I can't claim to have been particularly cool about it. Still, I stayed and I didn't cry or faint in panic so that makes me proud. It's the small victories in life sometimes.
Outside the Sagrada Familia with my little adopted family :)
Having decided that we were not going to be able to find the others, we wondered around Barri Gotic for a while eventually making it to a museum where a whole bunch of young people of varying skill levels were making the most of the smooth level ground as an improvised skate park. It was a pretty cool setting right outside a super modern building, and I would have taken a few snaps had I not been sooo ready for an afternoon siesta. I did take an awesome shot of what the streets of Barri Gotic where like though, the only shot of that area I remembered to take it turns out!
The gorgeous little streets of Barri Gotic
We all headed back to the hostel for a quick siesta before another epic night of drinking. I woke up with plenty of time to spare this time, and got a shower, change of clothes, and even had time to go over to the supermarket to stock up on wine, and pastries. You know, the essentials. I had dinner at the hostel again, this time enchiladas which wasn't bad, but would have been much better if I had any skill whatever in wrapping them. I pretty much just ate chilli on an open wrap, with a knife and fork haha. This is where I met the lovely Hayley, who was kind enough to not only look after my stuff while I gathered my meal, but also let me sit with her as we were both all alone! We had a great chat and I felt like I had an awesome bond with her, so gutted she's all the way on the other side of the world :( [Wish we'd had more time girl!]. For having only just met, we actually had a DM [Deep and Meaningful, learnt indirectly through Mike from the Aussies Brandon and Cam, love this and definitely bought it home to use in England!]
Trying to take Matt's last selfie of the day as his phone couldn't handle the dark!
That night was seriously awesome, but in a bittersweet way as it was the last night I would spend with my holiday family. Much, much alcohol was drunk and many a silly event occurred [ahem, looking at you Will for repeatedly telling me in a surprised voice that you had no socks on!] but it was all in good fun and I laughed my way through all of it. I took some of my favourite pictures of the trip that night, and for me it's strange as I pictured myself going out to enjoy the nightlife for at least most of my evenings, but it turned out the most fun for me was staying in with some cheap wine. Just goes to show you can never plan these things! Thanks again boys for making my trip so memorable and accepting me into yours! :)
Puddy <3
P.S I found one of the many collectable Space Invaders spread around the city!!
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