Well, 2013... I can't say that I'm sad you are gone. It's no secret to most people that the past 24 months have been a pretty turbulent period of my life. There have been some dark moments, feelings I will never forget, and actions I may never cease to regret. However, there has also been an incredible surge of hope, a sense of self and an optimism for the future that I have not felt in all my life.
2012 introduced me to a part of myself that I had hoped to never see again. It was a painful empty time where all of my feelings seemed to have become numb after my constant over use and abuse of them. My world was turned on it's head and there seemed to be no one that could reach me in my bubble. I had lost all motivation to continue in life, and wished more than anything to simply close my eyes and go to sleep, to not have to face myself again. There is no denying it was painful, and even looking back on it now I can feel the tugs of emptiness in my heart. But as strange as it sounds, I must admit that I am glad of the pain. I am thankful of the experiences I had, and the people who put themselves on the edge beside me to help me realise how close I was to falling. And eventually, one fateful, endless evening lying on my bedroom floor, clutching my large collection of various pain killers from the hospital, I fell from the edge. I spent an eternity in that dark void, trying with the last scrap of my strength to turn up the volume on the desperate voice in the back of my head. My voice, the one that has fought for years to be heard, to be acknowledged, telling me not to take the pills.
That night, albeit the darkest night of my life, finally snapped me. The voice of the person I had always meant to become spoke louder than I knew it could. It reminded me of all the things I had yet to do, the dreams I had once cherished, and most of all it reminded me that if I gave in now it would be admitting defeat to all the cruel people that had buried me in my hole of depression for the past ten years.
So, although with a weak, slow and frightened approach, I got up off the floor and I started to fight. There were many tears, panic attacks, episodes of sickness, friendships lost and actions regretted along the way. I made mistakes, there is no doubting that, some of them I will never be able to take back. But I fought. And it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. There is not a chance on earth that I would have made it without the people who stayed by my side, even when I was at my absolute worst, when I was volatile, terrified, sick, vulnerable, angry and exhausted.
To everyone's surprise including my own, I somehow made it to 2013. And I was actually doing alright. I had my first "proper job" and for once I wasn't working with people who bullied me. I started to take trips across the country to visit friends I hadn't seen in a while, and in March 2013 I bought my own car. This was a huge turning point for me, as I had come to think that I would never be able to drive, not much helped by being told so by some greatly negative influences in my life. Also in March I braved starting my own gaming channel with my brother, that sadly would not last long due to my lack of commitment while recovering from depression and anxiety (and in general!) but set the seed in my mind to return to at some point.
In April, a few of my friends began the difficult journey of teaching me to drive, as did my parents, and many a terrifying road trip took place. In May, my temporary contract at my job suddenly ended, and things were turned on their head for a while. Nonetheless, I bought a Merlin Pass and started to enjoy my time off for summer with my friends, and many more road trips aka driving practise to and from the attractions. I also made a new friend called Jonny, who became a staple broseph in my little clan :)
Moving on to June I introduced one of my best friends to clubbing, discovered Pewdiepie on YouTube and spent yet more time at theme parks with my friends. In July I started a new job that meant getting up at 5.30am 5 days a week, and it pretty much killed everything outside of my work life for a while. Still I managed to watch This is the End with my friends (one of my fondest memories of the year for laughing hysterically throughout) and went on a terrifying rollercoaster with Jonny.
August bought an awesome geek trip to London for my birthday, my 3rd attempt in 6 years at a nose piercing, I introduced one of my best mates to the magic that is Les Miserables, went to an advance preview of About Time with my mum and it became our favourite movie ever and made a stop motion video with one of my besties. In September I re-launched my blogging, starting to post regularly to my PuddyGeeks blog! I also met some amazing new friends and got pestered by numerous relatives for being single.
I really enjoyed scaring the crap out of some kids for Halloween, and experimenting to make some hella creepy zombie make up for a night on the town. Sadly also in October I failed my driving test twice and my beautiful dog Tia who had been a part of our family for nearly 13 years suddenly had to be put down. It happened the night before my mums birthday, and so I had to delay my surprise trip to London and tickets to Les Miserables for her and myself. ALSO, I quit my job, booked my solo trip to Barcelona for November, bought tickets to see Taylor Swift with one of my best friends in Feb '14, and got ridiculously drunk on a night out with Jonny, felt like a teenager again. It was a very eventful month.
In November I went to London for the day with mum for the first time and took her to see Les Mis for the first time in 10 years. She spent 10 years hinting that she'd love to see it again. I also took a life changing trip to Barcelona for 5 days completely by myself. Both of these experiences can be found in detail on my blog ;) I also went to a New Look Spring/Summer VIP preview, realised I had left my designer glasses in Barcelona and returned to my original employer where I was happy, in an even better position that I had been in before!
Finally in December I went to see the Lion King in London for one of my best friends 23rd birthday, visited my friend in hospital, started an Indiegogo campaign and booked a bungee jump to buy a new wheelchair for my friend, shared my 12-18 month bucket list with all of you, finally posted my Geek On-Tour Barcelona video, opened a pinterest, tumblr and google+ to become more involved online, bought my first Macbook to show commitment to my blog and YouTube, bought professional soft lights for my videos, congratulated my cousin on her engagement, and had my most expensive and interactive family Christmas yet.
I guess the point I am trying to make by sharing all this information is that you really never do know what is around the corner. NEVER give up, no matter how bad life gets, because only you have the power to change it and the only thing that will come of you ending your life here is that you will not achieve all those things you dreamt of nor will you become that person that shows the world what you're worth even after everything you have been through. Only you can change it, and most importantly only you can change yourself.
I look back at the past 2 years and I can hardly recognise myself. I know I still have a heck of a way to go to becoming that person who owns the voice in the back of my head, but now I look forward to it, and the person I was 2 years ago didn't even want to become her any more. I'm becoming someone who is self sure, strong and optimistic and that's something I have never been. Every day I can feel my perspective of the world changing a step at a time and I feel like my eyes are finally starting to perceive the beauty and all the opportunities around me. I am the master of my life, my body, my heart and my soul and you had better believe that I will protect them with everything I have. I'm not afraid any more, not of everything. I still get scared, sometimes things overwhelm me or sometimes I have to deal with something I'm not quite over yet. The difference is, I no longer spend 99% of my life in fear, and that is something I am truly proud of.
This next year is going to bring in more change than the past two combined, and to help keep myself on track I plan on writing something positive that happened each day on my calendar and scanning it onto my blog for you all to follow my journey with me at the end of each month. Thank you to each and every one of you, however few that is, for supporting me on this journey. I sincerely hope that this page can help at least one of you to pull yourself back from that edge just long enough to see everything that you can have if you choose to.
I will be sharing my favourite photos of the year, and photos associated with the events above on another post if any of you are interested! If you would like to see them leave a comment below :)
Puddy <3
Showing posts with label birthday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label birthday. Show all posts
Friday, 3 January 2014
Thursday, 14 November 2013
Better late than never....
**Running a little late, but I'm going to write these travel blogs day by day as if I am experiencing them now, as so much happened I don't want to cram it all into one post, I want to share it all!! Internet was an issue while travelling, especially as I didn't have a laptop or tablet or anything to take, so it was either shared computer or phone, and neither of those felt like blogging material. Lesson learned, for future travels buy a new laptop. Anyway, more on that later...**
London is an awesome place, but I could never live there. As someone who spends her whole life being late, or in a hurry, or stressed because I have forgotten something, I know how much it sucks to be on the go 24/7. And yet people in London seem to have that times 10. Everything seems to run in a way that makes these little stresses so much more likely to occur. Trains get delayed, there is always traffic, everywhere is busy, people are rude. As a tourist, London is beautiful. But man if I had to live there every day I'd be arrested for assault (at minimum) in no time at all.
So the trip was originally planned as a surprise for my mums birthday, but due to some unforeseen family circumstances it had to be delayed. Better late than never, nearly a whole month after her birthday we made it into London, with a plan to see as much as possible before the main aim of the trip: to take my mummy to see Les Miserables for the first time in ten years. As a little background for you, my mum has been saying how much she would love to get back to see the show for as long as I can remember, but has never been one for spending money on herself. This year with my first sign of financial stability, I decided it was time to set that right.
We started the day pretty chill in our pj's, working out which tube stations we needed for each attraction, whether it was easier to drive or train there, and where we wanted to go. We "popped in" to the local shops to run a few errands for my looming trip to Barcelona because, as per usual with me, I had left everything to the last minute. That ended up taking a lot more time than we originally planned, and we ended up rushing to a local restaurant for a budget lunch before hitting the city. We sped down to the train station in my little yellow bumble bee car and had to run across the bridge to make it for the train, with me puffing on my inhaler the whole way. We made it by minutes, just ordering all our complicated tickets in time, and headed to the main station in our area. We changed over in Reading, and had to run the through the old station, sprint to the nearest guard to ask which platform we needed, then run all the way through the new part of the station, right down to the platform just to miss our train by about 30 seconds.
After watching our train pull away without us, we had some time to stand on the platform and catch our breath (which for me sounds like much like a seal dying, slowly). We did end up getting on a rather swish train in the end though so it worked out for the best. Before we knew it we were in London, and mum was getting her first experience in many years of the tube, with my complete guidance as she followed looking very bemused. She was pretty nervous at the speed and noise of the trains, but I have to say she was way more chill than I was expecting! We beelined straight for the theatre box office and collected our tickets so that we could relax the rest of the day safe in the knowledge that we were ready to attend.
The next stop for us was of course the famous Oxford Street. We wanted to check out the super sized versions of many of our favourite shops, but mainly I'll be honest, we were there for the giant Primark. We swung in a couple of places, including HMV as "This is the End" was finally released (if you haven't seen this already I highly recommend it) and Miss Selfridge where I found the most beautiful dress ever with a hefty price tag of £100. Needless to say, I came home without it. If you're in the area, I would definitely recommend dropping into Miss Selfridge at the moment, as not only do they currently have a great selection of party dresses, but many have a stunning and detailed vintage design, some 20s Downtown Abbey style, some flapper dresses and some big 50s style, but all uniquely gorgeous (and expensive! Be warned). We also swung into the Disney Store because the Oxford street is awesome and has many photo opportunities. That and I'm a big Disney fangirl, deal with it.
We trekked for hours down this street (literally, we had to stop at John Lewis for some tea and everything) taking in the sights in search of Primark. We even stumbled across Selfridges with it's world famous window designs, and had to get a few snaps of that. However I must say I was way more impressed with John Lewis's creative animal designs and took many a picture of those. Anyway, we finally made it to Primark but were already knackered, it was packed as office hours had finished, and we were running out of time so it was kind of a hurried trip. I still managed to find a few gems though. Maybe in a week or so I will show you some of my recent winter and work wardrobe purchases ;)
We stopped off at John Lewis again for another pot of tea, and to rest our little legs quickly before realising that, you guessed it, we were going to be late for the theatre if we didn't move like now. We again had to run the whole way to the tube station, barely made the train, then had to run from the station to the theatre itself. We made it with minutes to spare and dropped off our huge shopping bags in the cloakroom. Thank god we did. We had front row centre seats in the dress circle (expensive but very worth it, best view in the house and the actors feel within touching distance) and I'm sure we both remembered these seats having more leg room. After a frantic day, we had been looking forward to lying right back in our seats to relax, but it was similar to the leg room on a plane (good practise for me I guess!). If you do book these seats, I advice to travel light or like us drop your shopping in the cloakroom, it's only £1 per item.
The view was spectacular and the show blew us both away, even though it was our 3rd time each. The actors that played Valjean (Daniel Koek) and Fantine (Na-Young Jeon) this season were incredible, I think the best we've ever actually seen. We laughed, we cried and we applaused until our arms hurt. We haven't stopped singing the songs or raving about the show since.
Anyway, I had a fantastic time with my mum. I was a little gutted we ran out of time to go to Camden, as I wanted her to experience the awesomeness that is the Camden food court, and would have loved to shock her with the characters that fill the area haha! I guess there's always next time ;)
Moral of the trip: things may not always go to plan, but sometimes life has a more memorable experience in mind for you.
Puddy <3
London is an awesome place, but I could never live there. As someone who spends her whole life being late, or in a hurry, or stressed because I have forgotten something, I know how much it sucks to be on the go 24/7. And yet people in London seem to have that times 10. Everything seems to run in a way that makes these little stresses so much more likely to occur. Trains get delayed, there is always traffic, everywhere is busy, people are rude. As a tourist, London is beautiful. But man if I had to live there every day I'd be arrested for assault (at minimum) in no time at all.
So the trip was originally planned as a surprise for my mums birthday, but due to some unforeseen family circumstances it had to be delayed. Better late than never, nearly a whole month after her birthday we made it into London, with a plan to see as much as possible before the main aim of the trip: to take my mummy to see Les Miserables for the first time in ten years. As a little background for you, my mum has been saying how much she would love to get back to see the show for as long as I can remember, but has never been one for spending money on herself. This year with my first sign of financial stability, I decided it was time to set that right.
We started the day pretty chill in our pj's, working out which tube stations we needed for each attraction, whether it was easier to drive or train there, and where we wanted to go. We "popped in" to the local shops to run a few errands for my looming trip to Barcelona because, as per usual with me, I had left everything to the last minute. That ended up taking a lot more time than we originally planned, and we ended up rushing to a local restaurant for a budget lunch before hitting the city. We sped down to the train station in my little yellow bumble bee car and had to run across the bridge to make it for the train, with me puffing on my inhaler the whole way. We made it by minutes, just ordering all our complicated tickets in time, and headed to the main station in our area. We changed over in Reading, and had to run the through the old station, sprint to the nearest guard to ask which platform we needed, then run all the way through the new part of the station, right down to the platform just to miss our train by about 30 seconds.
After watching our train pull away without us, we had some time to stand on the platform and catch our breath (which for me sounds like much like a seal dying, slowly). We did end up getting on a rather swish train in the end though so it worked out for the best. Before we knew it we were in London, and mum was getting her first experience in many years of the tube, with my complete guidance as she followed looking very bemused. She was pretty nervous at the speed and noise of the trains, but I have to say she was way more chill than I was expecting! We beelined straight for the theatre box office and collected our tickets so that we could relax the rest of the day safe in the knowledge that we were ready to attend.
The next stop for us was of course the famous Oxford Street. We wanted to check out the super sized versions of many of our favourite shops, but mainly I'll be honest, we were there for the giant Primark. We swung in a couple of places, including HMV as "This is the End" was finally released (if you haven't seen this already I highly recommend it) and Miss Selfridge where I found the most beautiful dress ever with a hefty price tag of £100. Needless to say, I came home without it. If you're in the area, I would definitely recommend dropping into Miss Selfridge at the moment, as not only do they currently have a great selection of party dresses, but many have a stunning and detailed vintage design, some 20s Downtown Abbey style, some flapper dresses and some big 50s style, but all uniquely gorgeous (and expensive! Be warned). We also swung into the Disney Store because the Oxford street is awesome and has many photo opportunities. That and I'm a big Disney fangirl, deal with it.
We trekked for hours down this street (literally, we had to stop at John Lewis for some tea and everything) taking in the sights in search of Primark. We even stumbled across Selfridges with it's world famous window designs, and had to get a few snaps of that. However I must say I was way more impressed with John Lewis's creative animal designs and took many a picture of those. Anyway, we finally made it to Primark but were already knackered, it was packed as office hours had finished, and we were running out of time so it was kind of a hurried trip. I still managed to find a few gems though. Maybe in a week or so I will show you some of my recent winter and work wardrobe purchases ;)
We stopped off at John Lewis again for another pot of tea, and to rest our little legs quickly before realising that, you guessed it, we were going to be late for the theatre if we didn't move like now. We again had to run the whole way to the tube station, barely made the train, then had to run from the station to the theatre itself. We made it with minutes to spare and dropped off our huge shopping bags in the cloakroom. Thank god we did. We had front row centre seats in the dress circle (expensive but very worth it, best view in the house and the actors feel within touching distance) and I'm sure we both remembered these seats having more leg room. After a frantic day, we had been looking forward to lying right back in our seats to relax, but it was similar to the leg room on a plane (good practise for me I guess!). If you do book these seats, I advice to travel light or like us drop your shopping in the cloakroom, it's only £1 per item.
The view was spectacular and the show blew us both away, even though it was our 3rd time each. The actors that played Valjean (Daniel Koek) and Fantine (Na-Young Jeon) this season were incredible, I think the best we've ever actually seen. We laughed, we cried and we applaused until our arms hurt. We haven't stopped singing the songs or raving about the show since.
Anyway, I had a fantastic time with my mum. I was a little gutted we ran out of time to go to Camden, as I wanted her to experience the awesomeness that is the Camden food court, and would have loved to shock her with the characters that fill the area haha! I guess there's always next time ;)
Moral of the trip: things may not always go to plan, but sometimes life has a more memorable experience in mind for you.
Puddy <3
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