Life update.

A quick little post for the very few readers I have who are not personally involved in my life, apologies for my elongated absence. I had a very busy week 2 weeks ago, I had a Taylor Swift concert, driving test and my drive up to Middlesbrough all in one week. The gig was incredible, I will be posting separately on that, and I passed my driving test (huzzah!) so I now have freedom to roam and explore. Unfortunately I drove for 14 hours in total at the weekend to get to my bungee jump and back home, only for it to be cancelled 10 minutes before due to the high winds. As many of you know the weather in the UK has been pretty crazy recently, but I had been assured by their website announcing the jump was still on and their notice for cancellation that I would be okay. Not to fret though, it will most definitely be arranged once this weather is better settled, and even more importantly once my health is back up to scratch.

Another twist, the cancellation turned out to be a blessing in disguise as on Wednesday 12th Feb I was rushed into hospital by ambulance from work for excruciating stomach pain. Anyone who knows me will know that a few years ago this was a regular occurrence with me for my out of control Irritable Bowel Syndrome. This time however I was rushed into theatre for emergency surgery at 11pm. I had acute appendicitis and by the time they opened me up to remove it, the blooming thing had perforated and was leaking puss and all that lovely stuff into my pelvis. Apparently according to just about every doctor or nurse I have spoken to in the hospital during my stay, my appendix was particularly nasty and infected. This also lead to complications where I had to stay in hospital for 5 days on IV antibiotics to fight off anything that might remain of the infection in my body, and a few days later there were further warning bells. I started vomiting very suddenly and since my bowels hadn't opened since before the surgery they were concerned that bowel was temporarily paralysed and that I may have food literally rotting in my stomach unable to move through me.

The plan was to put a tube up my nose, down my throat and into my stomach and to pump the contents out every 4 hours until my bowels began to move naturally. Unfortunately this whole experience was very dramatic for me, from being completely unable to control my breathing the first time to gagging and causing the tube to ping back out of my mouth the second time. They were unable to enter the tube at all and decided it would cause me too much trauma to try again seeing as I turned from purple to white within minutes. Fortunately for me, I did not vomit again after this (perhaps my fear of the tube held it in) and after a couple of days I managed to eat and function again well enough to go home.

So that's whats new with me. I'm at home and signed off work for a while with bed rest, as I am still very sore and as you can imagine very tired. Most frustratingly of all I now can't drive for at least 2 weeks, having only just gained my freedom a mere 11 days ago! I just wanted to tell this little story to remind you that even when things seems really crap, everything happens for a reason, sometimes that reason is too big for us to see. If I had done that bungee jump with an appendix ready to burst I could have done some serious damage to myself, I was also supposed to be on a holiday in Rome with my friend the week after, when my appendix did burst, but we couldn't go. I'll just count both as a blessing in disguise for now.

"Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes" - Oscar Wilde.

Another thoughtful little post today, I guess I'm reflecting more lately. I feel more compelled to share my feelings, like somehow that could help someone. If only one young person heading down the same road as I stumbles across this page, it might inspire them to take a different path. Or maybe help someone lost to rediscover themselves. I don't know. I realise my blog doesn't reach that many people, but as I start to change my life and myself, I find myself thinking of all the other people on the same journey as me, but all at different stages. I feel responsible for those people, like sharing the journey means dragging each other along. I think of all the stupid and painful things I've done along the way, the mistakes I've made, some of which still cause such crippling guilt and anxiety that I have to quickly force them from my mind, until I feel ready to deal with them. Not yet.

I've tried to create a place of positivity here, somewhere that people who relate to my story can come and feel hopeful. But I don't want to create the impression that you can simply choose to change and your life will immediately become wonderful. It takes work. It takes courage. It takes the will to fight everything you've ever known and everything you are. Sometimes that will wanes, and you end up relapsing, staring into the face of your demons. These are the hardest times of all.

I do not claim that this journey is easy, and not every part of it is positive. There's a lot of things I am yet to face, a lot of secrets in my heart that will one day escape and knock me back a few steps. The fear of that happening is ultimately what stops me from progressing any faster. I sometimes think it would be easier to simply air everything, to face it all at once so that I can move on, but I fear the damage that would cause to myself and those around me. I doubt that would help, mainly because some of these things may never be revealed, and that was always the preferable course. Were it my choice, none of these things would ever leave my heart, but unfortunately, as with most mistakes, they involve others.

People are my weakness. People are the weakness of us all. Those low, depraved people whose lives are as messy as yours, they are the only people you feel can understand you. They become the only people you have, the only people you seek out. Sadly, they become the people you trust. Those you choose to trust in your time of deepest need are often those who betray you once you decide to recover and rise far above them. I fear that every day.

The hardest part of these secrets is my own judgement of them. I cannot justify them, even when I see the same things in other people and can understand that the circumstances more than explain the actions. I know that one day, I will need professional help to deal with them, the only part of me that I can't fix alone. I can preach positivity, change, confidence but at the end of the day we all have some demons that even we can't banish.

I guess the message I'm trying to give is that you are not alone. No matter how messed up you feel, how sick, how wrong, we ALL have demons, every one of us. Some of us are simply better at hiding them than others. Others are more fortunate, of sounder mind. I would imagine someone who has never struggled with depression, anxiety or any kind of mental illness would have greater control of their demons, and would make far less mistakes as a result. I envy those people. And yet I also look up to them.

At the end of the day, the only person that can confront your mistakes is you. You are the only person that can fix it. You just have to be brave enough to face it. Remember, once you do, they can't haunt you any more, and there will be nothing left to stop you from racing through the rest of your journey. You can become whoever you want, the only obstacle is you.

Puddy <3

Lush Wednesday's: Christmas Eve Bubble Bar.

Hi guys, welcome back! It's time for another Lush review, woop woop!

This week I am reviewing the Christmas Eve bubble bar. Sadly this is no longer available in stores or online, and won't be until the next festive season, but I still felt compelled to review it as it's something I have recently used and loved. This product has a very non specific smell, one that can only be described as "flowers". That doesn't mean to say however, that it is a bad smell. Before I had even dropped it into the water my bathroom smelt like a sweet meadow.

Once in the water it fizzed into a moss green colour, combining the yellow and blue sides of the ballistic. The colour changed shades as it spread around the bath, and finally turned a darker shade of mint, almost like mouthwash. The bubbles it created were insane, I've never had a product create so many! I actually ended up stopping the bath and having to start it again because it looked like it was about to flow over. It felt like I was having a bath in a cotton candy machine. The water felt lovely and soft.  Afterwards my skin was definitely feeling moisturised and actually felt softer already. All in all a great product and something I look forward to using in future.

I'm the best thing that never happened to you.

They say that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again expecting different results, but I'm not sure I agree with that. I've seen plenty of crazy people, and they only need to do something once to know it's stupid. Whereas us 'normal people' can go an entire a life time making the same mistakes, especially in love, without learning to just stop doing it.

I must admit that I am one of those such people. Sometimes it's just easier to be optimistic about the situation, or to believe in someone proving you wrong, than it is to face the truth even when it's staring you in face. Sometimes you just want something so bad that you can't accept that it isn't possible to have it. When it comes to your emotions it's near on impossible to control them and as I've said many times before, the heart wants what the heart wants.

I've been living my life very differently in the past year. I'm learning that most of the time the pain of regret, the pain that comes from taking a chance, is better than the regret of living in caution. Every now and then, it's better to take a chance on something or someone, even if you're 99% sure that it's going to go wrong, because otherwise the regret of "what if" will eat you up inside. I decided to start biting the bullet and dealing with consequences afterwards. Mostly it's been working well for me, and I've had some great experiences because of it. But this time I've been burnt.

For the last few months I've been behaving like a pathetic beat up puppy, living with the "what if's" after following my brain instead of my heart and deciding not to take a chance on someone. I've been moping around feeling very sorry for myself, and literally feeling withdrawal for not allowing myself to see this person while I tried to deal with my attraction to them. I was keeping my hurt at bay most of the time by convincing myself that one day I'd be capable of being friends with them. But a lot of the time I was having huge pangs of hurt over the deprival of not sharing my feelings with them. It was eating me up inside and at the same time causing me to feel really angry at myself for being so totally out of character over someone who I already knew I could not pursue anything with. I knew it wasn't worth the risk of rejection, nor the time wasted on a relationship that I could already see wouldn't work.

Eventually, I figured if I was suffering this badly already, then how much worse could it get if I got hurt? So I reached out a little, and tested the waters. And the waters did, as predicted, burn me. I'm really angry at myself for being so weak and ignoring my better judgement over some stupid soppy feelings. But at the same time I'm incredibly proud of myself for putting my feelings out there and risking my biggest fear: rejection. It's helped me to realise that it's not so bad. I was rejected a hell of a lot by stupid boys when I was younger, and I survived. As an adult confident woman who knows herself and is proud of herself, what have I got to fear? That one guy I like won't want me back? I have survived far worse in my life so far, and I am sure I will experience many more worse situations yet.

It turns out that finding out I was exactly right in my prediction was just what I needed and now I am back on the path of being single, happy and doing whatever I want. Because let's face it, I don't need a man telling me he's scared for me to bungee jump, or that he doesn't want me to go away with just my girl mate and would rather I went with him, or not to spend the evening in my jammies looking like I've been dragged through a bush backwards cuz it turns him off. Screw that. I do what I want when I want. Thug life.

Puddy <3

Lush Wednesday's: Dragon's Egg Review.

Hi and welcome to the new feature: Lush Wednesday's. This is where I will try (and most likely fail) to write a Lush review, or some sort of Lush related post, until I run out of my stash. So let's get started!

Recently I tried out a new bath bomb that I got for Christmas from my friend Lily. I've been more than a little addicted to the smell since I first put in my drawer a few weeks ago. I can't really explain what it smells of, but for now let's just call it heaven. This was a rather large bath bomb, so it felt a real shame to use it all on one bath, but it was so worth it!

It makes the whole room smell divine and unlike the Golden Wonder it actually produces a reasonable amount of bubbles too. It also makes the water feel really soft and luxuries, and my skin felt wonderful afterwards. I have to say, the scent on my skin lasted easily 24 hours which was really impressive. Now for the downside, after the wonderful display that the Golden Wonder gave me I have to say that on the show and dance scale, the Dragons Egg left me a little disappointed. It swirled around for a really long time but eventually all it really did was make a really thin later of bubbles, turn my water slightly yellow and make a big orange splodge in the bubbles. Don't get me wrong, the smell more than makes after that, but after glitter, dissolvable stars and beautiful aqua coloured water from the GW, I was looking for a little more.

All in all it was a lovely product and not bad at all for £3.50. Surprisingly even after my complaints with it's show of seduction, I have to admit it is now my favourite bath product and I will certainly be using more of these in the future. For some pics of the action, look at the bottom of the post. Until next week amigos!

Puddy <3

Awwh, it made me a love heart!

Only in my life.

Do you ever feel like things happen to you that don't happen to normal people? I do all the time, especially as of late. Myself and a good friend of mine live like we are in a tv show, like it's a constant comedy of ridiculous and unbelievable things happening to us except there's no audience, there's only us suffering. Don't even get me started on when we get together, cuz then some seriously weird things start to occur and stories are told that our friends won't even believe!

Recently, I decided to finally take the leap from an iPhone 3GS to an iPhone 5S. Shockingly not having £600 in cash on me, I went to the apple store to discuss finance with them. After a lengthly chat with the salesman and highly time consuming finance application, I got my new toy. Only at the end did the guy tell me that I needed a new tiny sim to use in my new phone, and that I needed a sim swap to change my contract over to the tiny sim. He then tells me that is not something that the Apple store can do. I need to go to the 3 store. Now, Apple is in the big shopping centre local to me that stays open until 8pm. The 3 store is on the high street. At this point, it is about 7.10pm and I have made the effort to take the train into town straight from work. Had I realised that I needed to do the sim swap earlier I'd have prioritised the 3 store first, but no I wasn't aware. I run to the store but inevitably it is closed.

I text my mate to swap shifts with me tomorrow so I can pop into town in the morning before work and sadly take my unusable phone home in its little box. In the morning I realise that getting to town at opening hours, doing the sim swap and getting the train to work by 10am is more than ambitious. I decide to instead go straight to town from work again, even though I'm shattered. Anyway, after a long day I get to the 3 store and ask them for a sim swap as instructed. I hand over my ancient iPhone 3 with an excited grin. And the guy behind the counter promptly takes out the sim and cuts it up. I feel like my life has ended. I don't know why he has done this, and I'm pretty terrified, but I thank him none the less and take my tiny little remaining sim out of the shop with me. I'm really quite shaken, but I calm myself down and decide that they clearly know what they are doing. I tell myself to stop being a drama queen.

To make myself feel better I decide to go to New Look to find a new handbag, as the one I've been using is too small for my work stuff and the bigger one I changed to is ancient and falling apart as it's from Primark. I am pleased to find upon entering that their stock has changed, as previously I had not been able to find anything I liked, and took my time browsing the many new options. I pick out one that I really like and take it proudly to the till. A very attractive young lad stands behind the till so I try to play cool. I pay for the bag, and as he hands me my shiny new purchase, the bag I'm wearing suddenly snaps and falls to the ground. Yup. The second my new handbag touches my hand, the strap on the one I'm wearing breaks and the bag throws itself on the floor in rebellion. I blushed heavily and quickly the scoop the old one up, trying to casually laugh and say, "well that's the end of that one". I hurry out of the store.

At this point I realise I've been in town a while and it dawns on me that without a sim in either phone no one is able to contact me. I sit down in the shopping centre and try to set my phone up, but the damn sim slot wont open. Frustrated I hurry into the Apple store and bashfully ask one of the guys if they can put the sim in for me. When I take it out, he eyes it suspiciously and I explain the 3 store dilemma. The Apple guy looks as if he may fall of his chair. He tells me that this is something that the 3 guy should absolutely not have done as it is not a guaranteed solution and that the sim swap is something they can easily do in 5 minutes. When he tries to enter the sim, it doesn't fit. He is unable to do a sim swap in store. It won't fit back into my old phone either. I start to panic as I realise I can't even call one of my techie friends for help. I have no phone. Sensing my panic, the Apple guy apologises profusely for my experience. I tell him it's not his fault, but still am hyperventilating at the revelation that I have no phone to use. I cave and end up buying another sim card from the Apple store just so I can call my mum and shout about the whole experience. The guy was super nice and helped me to set up my phone and get to the point where I could make calls.

I got home and fortunately my dad managed to cut it down slightly more and make it fit. Now I have an iPhone 5S woo hoo. Then a day later my car broke down. Only in my life.

The point of this post was more or less to let you guys know that these ridiculous, unbelievable, frustrating things do in fact happen to us all. You are not alone. Just remember that at the end of the day, it's not all that bad and you can always at least make a good blog post about it ;)

Puddy <3

Christmas Haul 2013

Hey all!

Just a quick post to let you know that my Christmas Haul 2013 video is all edited and uploaded to YouTube, yay! I tried to embed it below so you guys could watch it on this page, but the stupid tool won't find the video grr! So here is the link below. Please show it some love :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGYkWdzdrNw&feature=c4-overview&list=UURMMeFTAy-HFYSQwC6DlNLA

Puddy <3